Spaced and confused

Went to the doc this morning and had a little chat and procured some meds. It's strange that I thought these things made me feel better as although my heart is no longer pounding in my chest, I feel spaced, lethargic and 'down'. I wasn't expecting this at all, maybe my expectations were too high (pun intended!), perhaps I was seeking a miracle cure to which there is none. I guess I have to give them time to kick in but I've only had half a tablet today and am now feeling quite sceptical as to their benefits. Still I'll see how I feel tomorrow. Maybe I shouldn't have gone back on them at all (the doctor didn't necessarily think I should, which surprised me!) and now I'm wondering if he was right. Well too late now I guess.

A sojourn

Finally I've managed to get hold of the doctor. It was good to hear his voice. Because of the nature and duration of my sessions, I have an emotional attachment to him, mainly because he often acts as a surrogate father. Have decided to pick up my meds tomorrow and resume sessions. At least though I've 'tested the water' and can now see how far I've come and how far I have to go!

Last night I managed to go out, despite some anxiety. It probably helped that I had spent a nice afternoon/early evening with a friend because this gave me the confidence to be outside again without any fears. For some reason panic attacks with me cause a little agoraphobia so forcing myself not to stay in and fester and face my fears was a good thing. In fact, it was a big step and I'm glad I took it. It helped that I was meeting my new friend, who is completely sympathetic and understanding of my plight, without her I wouldn't have done it.

So, things are looking up again, although resuming my sessions is not exactly fun and I'm not looking forward to the inevitable nausea I'll get when I start my meds again.

Let's try one more time..

My last entry was not beneficial at all! I was angry because although I've been enjoying the last few days, I still have these ridiculous attacks. In fact the last few days have been kinda surreal in that I've been hanging our more with my new friend who is being really supportive (I'm taking way more than I'm giving!) and feeling content and warm inside again. She also knows that you have to stand up to someone like me and not let me drink and I think she knows that when I'm being horrible, it's not because I'm bad, evil, or scarred inside - BUT it's a defence mechanism because I'm so much more vulnerable inside. Suffice to say, its fab to have someone like this (finally!) and I hope despite my inevitable attempts to push her away ( I guarantee I will BTW) she will help me find my real, sweet self and keep the monster at bay.

She also posits the idea that people like us are not 'freaks' but more like people
with special powers. I like this approach, it's a more positive way of thinking about ourselves than as social misfits, freaks or plain loopy! The power then has to be guided, channelled and fine-tuned so that when it's focussed it is positively directed. For example in my case, maybe I channel it into music. For other people it will be different of course. 
Anyways, I guess the proof will be in the pudding and in my case, perhaps NOT in the liquor!

Breaking down

A friend came round for dinner and guess what folks? I had a panic attack. Why? How the fuck should I know? - It's no longer 'interesting, a minor condition to work through or a personal journey', it's a FUCKING PAIN IN THE ARSE AND I'M SICK, SICK, SICK of it! FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF.

Black night, white light

Last night was the final straw. I got home at 9pm and hit the whiskey. Then decided to go out for a drink with some friends. Had only eaten a piece of toast all day and so you can imagine the consequences. I drunk a couple of beers and then switched to gin despite the protests of my friend.
Now although nothing particularly bad happened as I meandered down this well-trodden path, one thing hit me about my behaviour. Walking a long journey home, drunk and unable to walk straight, alone in a large city at 3am is NOT looking after oneself! In fact it's the opposite. I also pissed off one of my friends and
became very low. When I got home I took a valium to make me sleep and have woken up today feeling dirty and ridiculous.

My boss phoned me this morning and I realised after the conversation that I hadn't sounded 'right'. 'Right', in the sense that I was lethargic, grumpy and didn't want to do anything except avoid the outside world. I phoned him back and told him that I'm going back on meds and into therapy and called my doctor. I'm awaiting his reply as this is now the third time I've disappeared off his radar so I hope he hasn't given up on me as most other people do, sooner or
later. This isn't their fault however, I'm just an expert at pushing and pushing until they do!

So I've decided no more alcohol, much more chocolate and a healthy dose of sertraline ASAP is the way forward. I also have some personal projects I want to pursue to channel my anxiety energy in a much more positive way!

Uncomfortably numb!

I'm getting so much 'lower' now that have to fight just to write this stuff. Although my friend came round last night and was supportive, I know I'm slipping back
into the abyss, the void, the dark side of reality. I bought a bottle of whiskey on the way home and
although my 'healthier' voice was protesting against it and although I know right now it's a bad
idea, I don't have the energy to fight. The idea is unappealing ( to be honest) but drinking is less unappealing than being 'me' right now with all the technicolour reality that this entails. It's not
a choice between 'good and bad' but bad and too numb to care that I feel bad. I've said it
before and I'll say it again, I'm so sick of this. It's boring now, it's so boring and pathetic, like
movie trilogies that don't know when to stop miking the cash cow or re-runs of the last series of
'friends'. Whatever... I don't even have the desire to think of symalies right now so I'll just go and
keep descending downwards until I reach a state of non-awareness of who or where or why I am..

Let there be night

Been having problems sleeping this week and felt like a zombie all day again. A friend, who also has panic attacks has offered to come over and stay with me as she thinks this will help. I tend to agree and feel lucky that I have someone to do this for me. All I want right now is some sleep and to wake up tomorrow feeling normal and to be able to enjoy my day. I've noticed I'm not eating so well recently too so will have to keep an eye on that! Also, my shoulder hurts because I've been putting all my tension there for weeks now and 
although I'm aware I'm doing it, I can't seem to stop tensing it. It drives me crazy, I drive me crazy, Christ knows what my friends think!
Goodnight, I hope!

If Music be the food of love?

Oh My GOD! I keep getting amazing, emotional shivers down my spine when I'm listening to music. I guess this is a good thing, it certainly gives me faith that my soul is still functioning
as it SHOULD be. Perhaps music is my saviour. Maybe it is the key to the locked soul that
has been weeping and dying inside. I see is as a sign that I'm still here somewhere, scrabbling
in the dark and screaming out for 'life' itself to reveal itself to me in all its splendid wonder!
Play it again Sam (whoever or whatever you are!)

Never underestimate the power of the darkside...

Well despite my optimism that 'all is well' I'm not sure that it is if I'm honest with myself. Starting to get angry again at virtually everything and when I drink I can feel the dark side creeping back into my life. I'm determined to see if I can have my liberty back though and avoid prozac and spending all my money on a doctor. Perhaps this is futile and silly OR maybe it's what I need to do? Right now I can't really say though.

Night of the living dead

So it's time for another attack. Sweaty hands, heart beat 170BPM (for drum 'n' bass fans!) and downing some chamomile tea. Just when I thought I was out of the woods, the paths twist back round into the darkness and fear of the forest. I'm so sick of this, I really am. I want my freedom, I want my body and soul to be my mine and under my control. My hands are glowing inside and although I'm quite an expert at all of this now, I still feel like I have no options but to ride this out yet again.

Hopefully I can sleep off this one. I'm trying to find the 'trigger' for this but can't. Perhaps it's because last night I actually had fun, a few drinks and felt like a human being again. I should be so lucky... lucky, lucky, lucky! (thanks Kyile!)

Ad Libitum

Excuse the latin title but it seemed fitting with this particular entry! Have now returned to my homeland and a lot of things have changed recently. I have started drinking (but not abusing) alcohol recently and really enjoying the sense of freedom it gives me. i.e. It helps me to relax and is a sign that I'm more socially active again; something I NEED right now that's for sure! Also I have weened myself off my meds (finally!) and although I didn't do it with the doctor's blessing, I feel good about this because it happened naturally and I'm coping well with it. However, it's not all plain sailing as I still suffer from the physical sensations of anxiety but I'm determined now to use my newly found skills and deal with it without making it a drama and a disability. I say 'disability' because in the past it has severely restricted my actions and choices in life and now I feel is the time to not let it continue its strong hold on me. Right now for example, I'm feeling a little anxious but I'm not going to take anything and I'm not going to fight it. Perhaps if I admit to myself that it's a part of me as much my arms and legs are it will be something that doesn't restrict my liberty anymore.

I also want to show some particularly insightful writing that came out when I was feeling 'down', so as much as I'd like to end on a lighter note, I think it's important for anyone reading who is going through similar things to me to realise that other people also have some pretty 'dark' thoughts in their mind. I wrote this on the plane without editing or thinking so excuse the scattery, grammatically questionable nature of my diatribe!

"I'm on my way back from 'X' and not had any prozac for 2 days. Can't decide if this is a good or bad thing right now. I'm not freaking out at least but definitely feel a little scared that I might.

-One thing I'm trying to do is 'feel' everything that I can. This might sound strange but it's something I've got to do because I've previously programmed myself not to do it because by NOT feeling and having emotional attachments I can't get hurt!

Not sure if my life in 'Y' is still the right thing or not?!
I've also realised that I still have this smaller yet prevalent, devilish little voice in my head that 'pops up' from time to time. 5 minutes ago, I seriously imagined -and only imagined!--what it would be like to jump out of the plane. The strange thing about this is it's NOT a depressing thought, idea, concept, whatever..BUT more like a 'why not consider the idea?'. Perhaps this demonstrates a longing for freedom, absolute freedom, the kind I can't get from this world, so restricted by social norms, behaviour, programming and even the laws of physics that mean I have to comply with the limitations of the physical world.

I've chosen not to make a once in a lifetime leap through the (right now) inviting sky with its promise of an absolutely mind-blowing journey of new and obviously short lived experiences. Is this depression speaking?, good sense?; it's like sometimes I don't get why people don't or can't see this? This world of hypocrisy, propaganda, lies, media and warfare.

But even removal of all human suffering wouldn't make everything OK for me. So, what would? Is there anything that would or will I never be free, enslaved by this incorrect perspective and subjective interpretation of how things are?
- Perhaps I need my meds after all, at least they'll silence this and provide
a more comfortable prison for me to inhabit!

Depressives have a GOOD life, good things happen to them, nice feelings are experienced by them so what makes other people different from me? Who is the better and more honest person? Am I getting reality wrong or are you? Am I the fool or the sage? Do I want to destroy these thoughts because they are just WRONG or are they so fundamental to me that to do so would be to remove my essence? (whatever that might mean!)

In X, I was thinking about change. Should I make this my last year, last few months even, move to another place, study again, become an A,B or C???? Once my ex-girlfriend told me that people didn't feel any different to me and although I know this to be true - intellectually, (with help from the meds no doubt!) I'm not sure if I believe it or even whether I should!

One thing I do know is how lonely I feel and how much I didn't feel so at home with my family. Maybe the problem has now become the solution?  I've been craving alcohol in the last few days, in fact RIGHT NOW!
When I re-started drinking I had no ill-effects or negative feelings for that matter but if I could there is a part of  me that would love to live in a permanently drunk state.Not violently but 'with the edge taken off of life' and the lines smoothed
out....

I guess I need my meds again, and so the cycle continues to revolve back around again and again and again.

Question. If prozac and the doctor works, why do I not express these feelings? It's only when I'm 'dry' that this stuff comes out. I guess the doctor would say they are stabilising but do I really want this stability, really?
Do I prefer to be like this - this newly created comfort being, that the doctor has created?"

To free or not to free!

I've been thinking that the problem with this condition for me is FREEDOM. Once you have suffered an attack you will never be the same again. Forever you are burdened with the thought in your mind that when you are not having an attack it's just bonus time. Basically I feel like I've lost a lot of my liberty. Can I drink alcohol? Does caffeine in coffee affect me? Is stress in my life a cause? Should I move to another country? Is the city a part of the problem? Was my upbringing part of the problem or not? and so on and so forth ad nauseaum......BLAH I'm so tired of this....

Blood, sugar, magic!

Have been away from home for almost 4 weeks now and this obviously includes the doctor. Have managed to reduce my sertraline dose to half of what is was before and up until yesterday have been fine. At the moment I'm in another country, not at home visiting good friends of mine and having fun, travelling lots and even drinking again without any adverse problems. Last night though I realised that I had been carrying around some increasing anxiety and today I'm feeling worse. This makes me feel quite angry because up until recently I have been so proud of myself and remember saying that I had thought I was "cured".

At the moment I'm desperately trying to understand the cause of my attack. It could be that my anxiety is caused by the stress of returning to reality and to work. It could be that my life is not what it should be and that a return to this is hitting me square in the face but whatever it is one thing has occurred to me that might help fellow sufferers; Blood-sugar levels. One pattern that I can find in the last two days is that I haven't been eating breakfast before leaving the house. I have just done some research on the net and it seems that other people have mentioned that not eating is related to anxiety. So from now I'm going to be very careful about this.

Anyway, I have just eaten and feel better but although this is the case I'm still suffering. Right now I can't concentrate at all, writing this feels akin to climbing a mountain on stilts. My hands feel like they are not mine and my feet feel hot and strange. Also I feel incredibly drained and otherwordly. I wish I had some valium but I don't so I'm gonna have to ride this out. Although I'm OK with doing this I must admit I've been on nicer journeys and if I could I'd love to get out of the car and feel inner peace again...