Thursday 22 March 2007

Night of the living dead!

Last night was horrible! Went to bed around 2am and my heart was beating like a fucked clock! Spent hours tossing and turning and although I thought my anxiety attack had subsided I couldn´t sleep because I felt tired yet my body was racing like an athlete seeking a gold medal. My heart was also pounding away which kept me awake and meant that my body temperature was higher than usual so I felt discomfort and unable to nod off. This reinforces my belief that Psychological illness and physical illness go hand in hand and can´t be seperated. Still, although I get anxiety attacks from time to time, it´s much better than "full on panic attacks" and the frequency is much lower now. Am going to the doctor tomorrow so I can try and find the cause of this as although I had some coffee yesterday, I don´t think it was an excessive amount and maybe all of this was caused by me forgetting my pills!

Today I´m great though, almost feel too good. Perhaps this is another part of the process although I am yet to understand it!

Sweet dreams!

NB For those who are interested I have a put a new link to Schema Therapy under "Sites of relevance"

Wednesday 21 March 2007

I´m having an attack!

Joy of joys, I´m having an attack! It´s easy to pretend it´s not happening but I can tell because music sounds weird, I feel sick, my hands are tingling and leaving my room is an effort. It´s kinda like being ´high´ but NOT in a good way. When I stand up I feel dizzy and walking is an incredible effort as I feel like I`m struggling with ´something´ else for control of my body. My hands don´t feel like they´re my own and I feel like I´m looking through my ´third eye´! Also the light around me seems somehow different but I cannot explain how so. It´s also a bit like suddenly perceiving the world from underwater, if you can imagine how that would distort light and sound; in fact all perceptions would be slighty altered but not a million miles away from reality but yet not exactly right either! I think this is the real me, right now but I can´t be sure. Maybe that´s why reality seems the same but different because the ´real me´ is looking out for a change whereas normally reality is flitered by the protector, avoider or angry side of me! (all of these are different schemas but ultimately they are all symptoms of the same problem, I´m depressed and lonely and the schemas create illionary realities to ensure my survival BUT not my happiness. They are without emotions, simply logical).

A glimpse at my past!

Found this hidden away in the depths of my hard drive. It´s almost 6 months old and I remember being very drunk when I wrote it but for the purposes of glimpsing into my mind I haven´t corrected the grammar!


Wednesday 25th October 06

Fuck I do wanna be better! I do. I can’t believe I thought about an overdose of Tamazapan but I couldn’t get the internet to work to find out how much to take! I can’t be hungover I care about my job and I feel like I’m helping people and wanna live IF I can be cured. What if my girlfriend can come on Friday and tell the quack wot happened tonight. I know I can’t be honest but she can and I know I’ll have no memory. My brain is too clever. My perception is wrong. It has been for a long time it can’t be trusted anymore even I don’t have control over it. I should show this to the quack. How can I have this thing inside of me, as soon as it goes I feel kinda ok again. Why don’t I care about my punctuation either? Who is speaking right now? Am I really Jekyl and Hyde? If so what does that mean? I’m scared of the protector and I can’t stop him, he’s making me not eat and take tablets and drink and attack my girlfriend or is this him now trying to charm his way back in? Is it him that’s angry because he’s losing control or the real me who can’t understand or remember or believe this evening, I already can’t remember -and everything else going on in my life right now. Alcohol does help me open up, maybe the doctor needs to use it with me?! It makes me feel safe again and more open. I know I’m not an alcoholic but it does seem to open me up, without it I know I wouldn’t have written this. My girlfriend keeps saying that it’s all me but whether that’s the case or not I am unable to believe it, my brain literally filters by it’s own volition. I’ve just jumped from seriously considering an overdose to feeling kinda OK. That’s not right; could it be a bi-polar disorder? How can I say I’m never both voices (people - who knows?) at the same time, and each has no MEMORY of the other! I’m hungry but I can’t eat and I’m gonna drink more but I don’t know why! Maybe I’ll sleep better that way and not have an argument when my girlfriend returns. Also I’ll be too tired tomorrow to care about anything which seems appealing right now! Poor girlfriend I’m sure that my perception of her is wrong but I can’t see any other truths. I can’t even see myself for fuck’s sake. I hope I’m not seriously mad, sometimes I wonder. If I have two disparate people inside of me that’s not right! Or maybe I can’t be mad if I’m asking myself the question. Although I am asking myself the question which is like talking to myself, who the fuck knows? Can’t believe I’m spellchecking this now! Also where has my anger gone, I was in a rage b4 and now I’m totally calm, this doesn’t make sense! I feel empathetic, warm, and open, I don’t get this at all! I wish I wasn’t and didn’t hurt the people I love but I cannot stop and don’t know how to. I also know I will continue to, including myself so maybe that’s why od’ing seemed a good idea? Anyway why don’t these tampazapan and anti-depressants work anymore? I‘ve been here before without them and now I’m repeating a pattern with them! I’m hungry but can’t eat. I’m tired but can’t sleep. I’m bored but want to sit here forever, alone….safe….i feel dizzy sometimes and sometimes nearly fall. I remember falling in the shower over a year ago but thought it was the water, maybe it wasn’t. It’s like my body just refuses to be bothered anymore, like even it can’t stand all this! God I’m crazy. (but not in a good way anymore!) Why won’t anybody look after me? My girlfriend thinks people only help you if you help yourself, that’s a fucking tautology if you ask me! Now I feel angry at her again, she’s so cold and analytical, all I need is a little support and encouragement, then I will look after myself. Fuck the protector is back, bastard, I can’t control this, I love her but now he’s ,making me think really bad things, maybe this is wot the quack need to know. Whenever I think of someone I love he kicks in and causes anger. I feel guilty for hurting the ones and the one I love but as soon as she walks in, the protector will be back and we’ll argue. Its like my brain switches and I can feel the chemical changes in my body but they feel so natural and intuitive that I can’t stop them! Just like I can’t stop drinking right now!
I told my work colleagues about my father’s leukemia today I never tell my them anything about my life that’s NOT positive. And these are students I’m not that close to, although maybe X I see as a father figure as he wants to buy me lunch and practice his English and he loves philosophy and of course so do I. although I do think that philosophy has fucked me up a bit. I can’t write a sentence that’s not inconsistent. That’s how my brain works. I love somebody and then when I see them I show the opposite emotions. I argue and debate analytically but life for me is about emotions. I hate logic and analysis it destroys feelings, intuition and the magic of life. Life is more than the physical world of matter and quarks that scientists talk about. Much more. I feel drained and I know the protector is trying to stop me typing but I won’t let him have control anymore. Although tomorrow when I wake up he’ll be back. He always is! He’s the teacher and how I survive - how can I destroy him? Need to keep tonight’s text messages, think they will be important. They show how fucked up and inconsistent my thoughts and feelings are. It’s like I only live in a little moments without narrative or consistency. My mind would make a terrible novel. Have to show my girlfriend this, can’t let the protector make excuses this time. Gotta beat this evil. I’ll let him smoke and drink a bit that’ll work, give him some leeway. This is crazy talking about two people inside of me. Probably all part of his cunning game! Keep me confused and my guard can’t keep him at bay! Hope I don’t go completely mad, if I had overdosed then I would have been committed (if I had survived) Was imagining waking up surrounded by people who love me and saying to them, what bastards they are for not letting me go. I hate the fact that people save people’s lives if they chose to go. It’s their decision not to go on, other people who live in this `shit hole of a world. Who are they to bring back someone who sees the truth and hypocrisy we live in. The depressed are the ones who see how fucked up the world. Its, the rest live in an illusion. Feel dizzy and sick and should sleep but gonna drink more, smoke and wallow and wait for my girlfriend, should eat and sleep but can’t! At least I’m expert at this now. This state of mind is quite pleasant and safe. Time drifts away…….

Anger, I’ve got it. As soon as I express it I’m ok again! I need to get it out somehow without hurting others but how? I can’t hurt myself anymore or others so I need a fucking outlet! The booze mellows me (usually) so that’s why I drink it and so did the anorexia! (Or releases the anger on some poor unsuspecting fool!)

It seems so obvious now. OK need to take this document on Friday. My girlfriend activates my schemas; that’s why I’m so pissed with her moving away, without her I remain in this horrible cycle. That’s why I thought she was the one; she is the key to my getting better. It’s a lot to ask though!

Mind altering day!

Not such a good day today! Forgot to take my anti-depressants and had to come home at lunch time to get them. This made me feel anxious and out of control but after I took a tablet I didn´t feel too good and have been especially jittery this evening! Feel quite nauseaus right now and felt distant, angry and panicky on the way home. Am so sick of this (pardon the pun!), I can´t drink alcohol, can´t control by own body and mind and without my medicine feel horrible and spaced out. Was feeling pretty good until day but now I´ve experienced life without medication, I realise that this ´normality´ I feel is an illusion. Am now dreading coming off anti-depressants and fear what the experience will be like. Would be quite happy to never stop taking them but I know that whilst ingesting them the world is slightly illusionary and it isn´t exactly the way I perceive or feel it right now. I guess being positive, I´ve taken two steps forward and one step back today. Tomorrow I´ll try and take another two!

Am moving house soon which I´m hoping will help me to move on in life but am dreading feeling even more lonely than I do right now. The problem with this kind of loneliness is that it´s not cured by being around other people. I have plenty of friends and usually have an active social life but when you´re like me it doesn´t change that lonely gaping void inside, it just helps you to forget for a while. Ever been surrounded by peeps and yet feel totally alone? That´s how I feel deep inside and I have no idea how to fill that void!

Sunday 18 March 2007

Weekend ups and downs!

Had a good weekend but last night was pretty anxious and had feelings of nausea, tingling fingers and exhaustion as I received a 'stroppy' email from my sister. Basically I was supposed to and have been trying to arrange a trip to Prague for my father's birthday but due to complicated life situations decided that I couldn't. My sister initially said she would understand but she obviously didn't once I had decided and her email reply then sent adrenaline through my body. I phoned my Mum because she is a good, balanced person to talk to and because despite my initial feelings of anger and wanting to defend myself against my sister's allegations, I knew it would be an unproductive and destructive thing to do.I spoke to my Mum and explained that although it's true I'm getting better and that I've been telling her positive things, I'm still only half way to really being better again. At the moment I'm still very delicate and I'm taking small steps in getting better but I'm scared that at any moment I might 'fall' back into depression, extreme anxiety and drinking.

Speaking to my Mum really helped to get it off my chest and find some kind of pyschological resolve but it didn't alleviate my anxiety completely and I spent the night cooped up in my room, feeling the physical sensations of anxiety that I have already explained.

Today was a better day, no anxiety and I went on a trip to the beach with a friend and had a good time and some fresh air and sunshine. It seems that when I'm in my own little world, everything is fine but when I'm attacked or criticised or questioned about my motives, I still can't handle it and my psychology breaks down.
Going to have to continue on fighting and climbing this steep mountain to happiness!
Wish me luck!

Thursday 15 March 2007

Doctor or guru?

Am still poorly so feeling a little 'down'but nothing Psychologically rated! Because I was wiped today and have had few problems this week I decided to ask my Doctor to teach me some meditation. Surprisingly (to me at least!) he thought it was a very good idea and has had some experience himself. So, we did a half hour training session and he taught me how to relax certain muscles in my body individually and how to breathe properly and I must admit I felt great afterwards. The doc commented that this is a good idea for me as it helps to teach my brain to control my body (and thus not the other way around as happens with my panic attacks!) and I also like the idea that I'm controlling myself, something my kind of personality needs. All in all a good day (and week really!) and little by little I'm feeling like my old self!

Tuesday 13 March 2007

Don´t bug me!

Feeling poorly today with a touch of flu so nothing to report psychologically speaking! It´s strange how when I´m physically unwell my mental state seems to be put on hold, I wonder if there´s anything in that? Well the good news is I have no anxiety today, possibly because things are looking up or at worse it´s because my body is too tired to get into an anxious state. I´m guessing it´s the former but must remember to not try and run before I can walk and take each day one day at a time!

Monday 12 March 2007

Tell me why, I don't like Mondays!

Well it's been a while but this morning one of my schemas was 'activated' and that has caused me to become angry and some anxiety kicked in! Basically I seem to have a problem with loud or sudden noises, often my flatmate makes me jump (he's very light-footed!) but that's not the problem. The big problem however is that noises that I cannot control such as grinding from tool machinery or hammering or loud motorbikes often set me off and that's what happened just now! This morning I didn't feel too good and decided to go into work late as I've had a cold for a couple of days and in the interest of looking after myself I decided that I needed to rest more than usual. I made the obligatory phone call to advise of my situation and went back to bed feeling that I'd benefit from a little sleep and be able to work the rest of my day better. Just as I was nodding off, the grinding sound of tool machinery started to flank my ears and that set me off into a miniture rage and I started cursing and swearing at the world for making my life unbearable. Now I'm feel calmer but I can still feel some frustration seeping through my veins and I also feel guilty for getting annoyed with something I know is not unreasonable or directed at me! What a start to the week! I have to remind myself that this is only a setback and is doesn't reverse all the great work I've done so far!

Sunday 11 March 2007

The camera never lies!

Had a hectic weekend so haven't been home to write my diary but here goes! Friday was a difficult day for me because as I think I mentioned in my last entry, I was being filmed for television and I have no experience with this whatsoever! The filming went well in the end and is being shown on the local news (I'm yet to see it!) but beforehand my anxiety was obviously tested somewhat! During the filming my anxiety subsided a fair amount and although I took my trusty supply of valium with me, I didn't take it. I had decided beforehand that I'd use this an opportunity to test my strength and by taking valium I would have felt like I had given up a bit! So now I'm quite proud of myself. After the filming I had an appointment with my doctor and he asked me how it had all gone and I explained that although I had some anxiety he agreed that I had dealt with it very well and that my anxiety in this case was a case of 'healthy' anxiety in contrast to unhealthy anxiety that strikes based on a false sense of reality. I learnt therefore that anxiety when triggered correctly is a natural part of our defense mechanisms and shouldn't always be considered a bad thing, in fact it's a very powerful survival mechanism when it is activated correctly.

Eating wise, I'm also doing very well, am keeping a diary and also eating not only much more but more healthily. This is a positive sign that I'm starting to look after myself better and like myself. When you are suffering or depressed of course the opposite happens, it's almost like you're willing and causing a slow but inevitable death! Now however, I can't imagine living like that, now I feel like I'm beginning and have been given a new life and want to grab it by the horns.

Another test that I passed was on Friday when I went to a nightclub for THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE SOBER! On the journey there I was envisaging one of two scenarios. One, I'd lapse back into drinking or two I'd be shy and as bored as hell. None of these scenarios turned up however, (perhaps because I was with another tee-totaller) and I found myself dancing like I used to when completely off my face and not only having a good time but a better time than I used to fool myself that I was having when intoxicated!

Other than all of this, I have had a stress and anxiety free weekend, felt positive and human (believe me at times I've forgotten what this means!), and as I past test after test I'm starting to discover more and more the beauty that exists in this world when the dark shadow of depression is penetrated by the sober light of day!

The camera never lies!

Had a hectic weekend so haven't been home to write my diary but here goes! Friday was a difficult day for me because as I think I mentioned in my last entry, I was being filmed for television and I have no experience with this whatsoever! The filming went well in the end and is being shown on the local news (I'm yet to see it!) but beforehand my anxiety was obviously tested somewhat! During the filming my anxiety subsided a fair amount and although I took my trusty supply of valium with me, I didn't take it. I had decided beforehand that I'd use this an opportunity to test my strength and by taking valium I would have felt like I had given up a bit! So now I'm quite proud of myself. After the filming I had an appointment with my doctor and he asked me how it had all gone and I explained that although I had some anxiety he agreed that I had dealt with it very well and that my anxiety in this case was a case of 'healthy' anxiety in contrast to unhealthy anxiety that strikes based on a false sense of reality. I learnt therefore that anxiety when triggered correctly is a natural part of our defense mechanisms and shouldn't always be considered a bad thing, in fact it's a very powerful survival mechanism when it is activated correctly.

Eating wise, I'm also doing very well, am keeping a diary and also eating not only much more but more healthily. This is a positive sign that I'm starting to look after myself better and like myself. When you are suffering or depressed of course the opposite happens, it's almost like you're willing and causing a slow but inevitable death! Now however, I can't imagine living like that, now I feel like I\m beginning and have been given a new life and want to grab it by the horns.

Another test that I passed was on Friday when I went to a nightclub for THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE SOBER! On the journey there I was envisaging one of two scenarios. One, I'd lapse back into drinking or two I'd be shy and as bored as hell. None of these scenarios turned up however, (perhaps because I was with another tee-totaller) and I found myself dancing like I used to when completely off my face and not only having a good time but a better time than I used to fool myself that I was having when intoxicated!

Other than all of this, I have had a stress and anxiety free weekend, felt positive and human (believe me at times I've forgotten what this means!), and as I past test after test I'm starting to discover more and more the beauty that exists in this world when the dark shadow of depression is penetrated by the sober light of day!

Wednesday 7 March 2007

Calm before the storm?

Didn't write yesterday as had a busy day and to be honest not much to report. Had to cancel my doctor's appointment due to work commitments but that hasn't been a problem thus far! Had a touch of anxiety today but now I have some anxiety management training I dealt with it very well. My band is also looking up again and I'm not struggling so much all round! Let's hope this is a sign of things to come!

Monday 5 March 2007

Anxiety down, life up!

Had a good weekend finally! Went out for drinks (non-alcoholic!), little anxiety and no attacks. I guess I'm finally getting stronger at last. Have found that not drinking coffee also helps heaps so I can really recommend it if you're a sufferer of anxiety. Found a great and moving video of someone having a panic attacks on YouTube so if you're interested check out : this video, it almost made me cry!

Told my sister about my difficulties and she was very supportive, although she doesn't understand completely what I'm going through. This is one of the most diifcult things about this whole thing, is deciding who to tell, who not to and how much to reveal. I think though that the more people you tell and therefore the less you hide your feelings, the beter you feel. Of course you have to get a balance and not solely talk about it as it can get people down a little and the last thing you need is to push away your friends or drive them crazy!

Still, going through an 'up' phase right now so fingers crossed I'm heading towardds the light at the end of the tunnel and have stopped hanging out with the devil and the darkness that surrounds him!

Saturday 3 March 2007

....and relax!

Things looking up at last! Went to the doctor yesterday and made some progress with coping with pre-work anxiety. It turned out that my anxiety was based on a completely irrational way of thinking about reality! So to deal with this first we rationally discussed the reasons for my anxiety i.e. I might make a mistake, I might lose my job and my life etc… then once my conscious mind had a chance to realize that I was being irrational we then did some imagery work to deal with the emotional roots of this irrational thinking!
It seems that pre-work anxiety comes from anxiety that built up when I was around 13 years old because of a lot of bullying from my father. To deal with this we therefore explored some times when my father bullied me and the doctor helped me to stand up to him. The point of this is to strengthen ‘lonely mark’ so that as an adult I no longer have these feelings of irrational anxiety. Anxiety is in fact a very healthy thing to have but only when it’s based on a true or realistic appraisal of reality NOT an irrational and false one!

Other than this yesterday was a good day! I received some long overdue monies for a job that I did which relieves some financial stress and my band is looking up again as our singer has decided to not leave the country. Also since cutting out alcohol and caffeine in my life, my anxiety has dropped considerably and I’ve been able (so far!) to socialize again at night without problems. Also, believe or not I’m going to be on a TV program because there is a station that wants to make a documentary about the work I do! Hurrah for me, for now! The only downside of course will be that my anxiety levels will definitely go up! I´ll keep you posted!

Thursday 1 March 2007

Consulting some oracles



Wokeup today, feeling fine (to quote a famous song!). Feel like I'm getting a bit of a grip on my anxiety now (even if it's a slippery one!). Decided to think of some positives to remind myself that life is definitely worth living. First, I pretty much don't have panic attacks anymore and second I don't suffer from any agoraphobia now. Third, I have given up alcohol which means by body is more healthy, along with my wallet and my memory is much better than before. Also, I don't have to suffer hangovers anymore and waste my weekends in bed. Forth, I have dealt with some painful memories from childhood which I have been carrying for a long time so this makes me feel 'lighter' because I think these weigh you down Psychologically. Finally, I'm learning a great deal about the human body and mind and also about Psychological processes. I also feel that I'm beginning to understand myself better and intellectually I'm fascinated by the workings of the conscious and unconscious. Now, don't get me wrong I'm claiming that this is an experience anyone should go through but the fact that I am doesn't mean it has to be completely negative. Admittedly the Panic attacks are one of the most frightening experiences a person can have (see other people's accounts on You tube or other internet sites if you don't believe me!) but at least if I can find a balance of positivity and negativity in all this, then all the better!

Last night by the way, I did some research on Charles Linden, who is in no way medically trained but claims - in fact guarantees he can cure Panic attacks and the other disorders related to it. Personally I'm a little sceptical about anyone who pursues a business idea in helping or curing people but I did learn a couple of helpful things! According to him, Panic attacks are caused by amygdalae in the limbic system. These are almond-shaped glands that reside in our brains and control our primitive functions such as emotional reactions, facial recognition and may be related to some Psychological disorders. According to Linden, these glands are completely automated but this automation is learnt by experience. Now, in a healthy or normal human being (whatever that is!) these glands only increase adrenaline levels thus creating a 'fight or flight' scenario when the person is genuinely under threat. Once the threat has gone the glands reduce the levels of adrenaline back to normal and all of the symptons calm down. In the case of people like me, the glands- because they are activated by experience- create more adrenaline than usual (because a perceived threat is enough) and so we are more or less constantly in a 'fight or flight' state. A fascinating point about this is that altough the conscious brain knows there is no threat and therefore no need to be ready for a rumble, the unconscious believes there is a threat and so the glands are activated and the adrenaline floods through the body. Linden therefore claims the solution to this problem is to simply change our behaviour through our conscious thinking because he believes that Panic attacks re-occur because of repeated patterns of learnt behaviour that reside in the subconscious. Once therefore a Panic attack is experienced we unconsciously repeat the patterns and the glands shoot out a barraged of adrenaline which if you're not under threat, has nowhere to go. This is why we feel nausea, shaky, sweaty, de-personalised, dizzy etc....

Based on this, I've decided to try adjusting my conscious thought processes and monitor what I am doing so that the unconscious is no longer running the show as much. I'll report my findings in due course! Also I thought I speak to my doctor tomorrow about some of these ideas...