Up or down?

Been off the booze for a few days and taken some Valium a couple of times which swings between making me feel amazing and able to sleep - to sick, like right now! I took it because I'm tired of feeling anxious, tired of that sick and nervous feeling in my belly.

It makes me also feel quite withdrawn and I really want to go and buy
 a bottle of whiskey but I'm not going to, I've promised myself that and I'm going to stick to that! Let's see how long this lasts!

As of late

Despite a few glitches with hitting the whiskey, am doing pretty well. I've suddenly made quite a few friends recently and my social life is looking up. I've got two good friends I can talk to about this stuff (in lengthy detail!) and some other friends I can hang out with and be 'normal' with!
Doctor is going well and I'm habitually consuming my meds. This weekend is a holiday (which I really need as I've been very busy lately!) and I have many things to look forward to so bring life on!

Minor glitch!

Today I had  a minor attack but dealt with it by basically ignoring it and letting it happen! I have no idea what caused it but didn't allow myself to get angry and now although I'm tired (panic attack hangover!), I feel fine and proud that I didn't let my affliction take over my life!

Sailing on calm waters

Well my meds have definitely kicked in and I have to admit that they do reduce anxiety. Having said that I had a minor attack last night but I didn't let it freak me out and it went quite quickly. I've also noticed that I'm more secure now and stopped spending long nights chatting to people about how down I am. It feels like a setback that I can't drink again and have to infect my body with chemicals but I guess it's for the best and I have to think of it as an illness and the meds as a part of the cure!

Spaced and confused

Went to the doc this morning and had a little chat and procured some meds. It's strange that I thought these things made me feel better as although my heart is no longer pounding in my chest, I feel spaced, lethargic and 'down'. I wasn't expecting this at all, maybe my expectations were too high (pun intended!), perhaps I was seeking a miracle cure to which there is none. I guess I have to give them time to kick in but I've only had half a tablet today and am now feeling quite sceptical as to their benefits. Still I'll see how I feel tomorrow. Maybe I shouldn't have gone back on them at all (the doctor didn't necessarily think I should, which surprised me!) and now I'm wondering if he was right. Well too late now I guess.

A sojourn

Finally I've managed to get hold of the doctor. It was good to hear his voice. Because of the nature and duration of my sessions, I have an emotional attachment to him, mainly because he often acts as a surrogate father. Have decided to pick up my meds tomorrow and resume sessions. At least though I've 'tested the water' and can now see how far I've come and how far I have to go!

Last night I managed to go out, despite some anxiety. It probably helped that I had spent a nice afternoon/early evening with a friend because this gave me the confidence to be outside again without any fears. For some reason panic attacks with me cause a little agoraphobia so forcing myself not to stay in and fester and face my fears was a good thing. In fact, it was a big step and I'm glad I took it. It helped that I was meeting my new friend, who is completely sympathetic and understanding of my plight, without her I wouldn't have done it.

So, things are looking up again, although resuming my sessions is not exactly fun and I'm not looking forward to the inevitable nausea I'll get when I start my meds again.

Let's try one more time..

My last entry was not beneficial at all! I was angry because although I've been enjoying the last few days, I still have these ridiculous attacks. In fact the last few days have been kinda surreal in that I've been hanging our more with my new friend who is being really supportive (I'm taking way more than I'm giving!) and feeling content and warm inside again. She also knows that you have to stand up to someone like me and not let me drink and I think she knows that when I'm being horrible, it's not because I'm bad, evil, or scarred inside - BUT it's a defence mechanism because I'm so much more vulnerable inside. Suffice to say, its fab to have someone like this (finally!) and I hope despite my inevitable attempts to push her away ( I guarantee I will BTW) she will help me find my real, sweet self and keep the monster at bay.

She also posits the idea that people like us are not 'freaks' but more like people
with special powers. I like this approach, it's a more positive way of thinking about ourselves than as social misfits, freaks or plain loopy! The power then has to be guided, channelled and fine-tuned so that when it's focussed it is positively directed. For example in my case, maybe I channel it into music. For other people it will be different of course. 
Anyways, I guess the proof will be in the pudding and in my case, perhaps NOT in the liquor!