Long time, no speak!

It's been a long, long time since I've written anything and as it's Friday night and as I'm here in body and spirit I thought it was about time I electronically penned out my thoughts and experiences over the last few months.

Well, where to start? First, I've noticed recently that I'm finally starting to have my natural emotions again, which if you've never experienced a loss of feelings, is quite incredible. Basically, whilst I was under the mask of anxiety, one of my mind's tricks (defensive mechanisms really!) was to block out the world and the inevitable emotions that goes with it. The reason for this is to protect myself. Logically speaking (and remember the Omnipotent protector only has this faculty), it's a simple equation. If you don't have emotional connections to things / people then you cannot get hurt. Of course the downside to this is that you can't experience pleasure either. So now, because I am getting stronger, I am more able to 'feel' again and unfortunately I can't express within the limitations of language this manifestation, suffice to say it's an epiphinal feeling.

Second, my regresssion/imagery work is becoming much more effective. This is because the protector/avoider side of me has become weakened and has started to stop fighting the process. Of course, depending on the day and the events in my life this can swing up and down. Generally though the protector is not only weaker but also has been befriended. This means we (i.e. The doc and me) have started to negotiate and work with him (it?) and use his strength for more positive gains. We still have a fair journey to travel but little by little we are making progress and the sessions are also more productive. One of the most significant ones recently was extremely positive and moving for me, as I confronted the lonely part of myself and found myself hugging him and feeling so much love, (and tears), much like I imagine a mother and her child would exchange when feeling safe. I'm not entirely sure but I think this was the protector being less ruthless and more 'healthy' towards him.

Third, I have met somebody recently that also suffers from anxiety disorder (unfortunately for much longer and more regularly than myself) and this has added to my positivity because I finally feel like I have someone I can talk to who understands. We have also agreed 'to be there for each other 24/7' just in case and already I feel like something special is occurring. One thing I have to be careful of is to not become her counsellor or therapist as I'm obviously not qualified and I am still going through my own process. I can't help but feel extreme empathy for her though, so I have to keep check of myself and know where to draw certain lines. She doesn't take medication for her attacks and like me doesn't drink but unlike me lives with her attacks as a normal part of life. I guess I'd like to talk to her and let her read this blog as it may help her to consider the pros of therapy. However, I'm determined to not be judgemental but supportive when she needs me. The last thing a sufferer needs is anything less than empathy, understanding and to feel alone!

Fourth, my doctor and I discussed 'weening' me off medication and although initially I was the genesis for this idea - now it is soon to become a reality,I'm suddenly very scared. I really don't want to give up my crutch and my friend sertraline without a fight. I know it's for my own good but I can't imagine living without it. This could be a fight to come!

Finally, I'm going home to visit my family soon so I may have a few tests coming my way. Let's see how I handle the family environment again. I fear it will be anxiety provoking but am determined to put all of the skills I have learnt in the last year to the test and come out the other end smiling or at least not crying!