The camera never lies!

Had a hectic weekend so haven't been home to write my diary but here goes! Friday was a difficult day for me because as I think I mentioned in my last entry, I was being filmed for television and I have no experience with this whatsoever! The filming went well in the end and is being shown on the local news (I'm yet to see it!) but beforehand my anxiety was obviously tested somewhat! During the filming my anxiety subsided a fair amount and although I took my trusty supply of valium with me, I didn't take it. I had decided beforehand that I'd use this an opportunity to test my strength and by taking valium I would have felt like I had given up a bit! So now I'm quite proud of myself. After the filming I had an appointment with my doctor and he asked me how it had all gone and I explained that although I had some anxiety he agreed that I had dealt with it very well and that my anxiety in this case was a case of 'healthy' anxiety in contrast to unhealthy anxiety that strikes based on a false sense of reality. I learnt therefore that anxiety when triggered correctly is a natural part of our defense mechanisms and shouldn't always be considered a bad thing, in fact it's a very powerful survival mechanism when it is activated correctly.

Eating wise, I'm also doing very well, am keeping a diary and also eating not only much more but more healthily. This is a positive sign that I'm starting to look after myself better and like myself. When you are suffering or depressed of course the opposite happens, it's almost like you're willing and causing a slow but inevitable death! Now however, I can't imagine living like that, now I feel like I\m beginning and have been given a new life and want to grab it by the horns.

Another test that I passed was on Friday when I went to a nightclub for THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE SOBER! On the journey there I was envisaging one of two scenarios. One, I'd lapse back into drinking or two I'd be shy and as bored as hell. None of these scenarios turned up however, (perhaps because I was with another tee-totaller) and I found myself dancing like I used to when completely off my face and not only having a good time but a better time than I used to fool myself that I was having when intoxicated!

Other than all of this, I have had a stress and anxiety free weekend, felt positive and human (believe me at times I've forgotten what this means!), and as I past test after test I'm starting to discover more and more the beauty that exists in this world when the dark shadow of depression is penetrated by the sober light of day!