A glimpse at my past!

Found this hidden away in the depths of my hard drive. It´s almost 6 months old and I remember being very drunk when I wrote it but for the purposes of glimpsing into my mind I haven´t corrected the grammar!


Wednesday 25th October 06

Fuck I do wanna be better! I do. I can’t believe I thought about an overdose of Tamazapan but I couldn’t get the internet to work to find out how much to take! I can’t be hungover I care about my job and I feel like I’m helping people and wanna live IF I can be cured. What if my girlfriend can come on Friday and tell the quack wot happened tonight. I know I can’t be honest but she can and I know I’ll have no memory. My brain is too clever. My perception is wrong. It has been for a long time it can’t be trusted anymore even I don’t have control over it. I should show this to the quack. How can I have this thing inside of me, as soon as it goes I feel kinda ok again. Why don’t I care about my punctuation either? Who is speaking right now? Am I really Jekyl and Hyde? If so what does that mean? I’m scared of the protector and I can’t stop him, he’s making me not eat and take tablets and drink and attack my girlfriend or is this him now trying to charm his way back in? Is it him that’s angry because he’s losing control or the real me who can’t understand or remember or believe this evening, I already can’t remember -and everything else going on in my life right now. Alcohol does help me open up, maybe the doctor needs to use it with me?! It makes me feel safe again and more open. I know I’m not an alcoholic but it does seem to open me up, without it I know I wouldn’t have written this. My girlfriend keeps saying that it’s all me but whether that’s the case or not I am unable to believe it, my brain literally filters by it’s own volition. I’ve just jumped from seriously considering an overdose to feeling kinda OK. That’s not right; could it be a bi-polar disorder? How can I say I’m never both voices (people - who knows?) at the same time, and each has no MEMORY of the other! I’m hungry but I can’t eat and I’m gonna drink more but I don’t know why! Maybe I’ll sleep better that way and not have an argument when my girlfriend returns. Also I’ll be too tired tomorrow to care about anything which seems appealing right now! Poor girlfriend I’m sure that my perception of her is wrong but I can’t see any other truths. I can’t even see myself for fuck’s sake. I hope I’m not seriously mad, sometimes I wonder. If I have two disparate people inside of me that’s not right! Or maybe I can’t be mad if I’m asking myself the question. Although I am asking myself the question which is like talking to myself, who the fuck knows? Can’t believe I’m spellchecking this now! Also where has my anger gone, I was in a rage b4 and now I’m totally calm, this doesn’t make sense! I feel empathetic, warm, and open, I don’t get this at all! I wish I wasn’t and didn’t hurt the people I love but I cannot stop and don’t know how to. I also know I will continue to, including myself so maybe that’s why od’ing seemed a good idea? Anyway why don’t these tampazapan and anti-depressants work anymore? I‘ve been here before without them and now I’m repeating a pattern with them! I’m hungry but can’t eat. I’m tired but can’t sleep. I’m bored but want to sit here forever, alone….safe….i feel dizzy sometimes and sometimes nearly fall. I remember falling in the shower over a year ago but thought it was the water, maybe it wasn’t. It’s like my body just refuses to be bothered anymore, like even it can’t stand all this! God I’m crazy. (but not in a good way anymore!) Why won’t anybody look after me? My girlfriend thinks people only help you if you help yourself, that’s a fucking tautology if you ask me! Now I feel angry at her again, she’s so cold and analytical, all I need is a little support and encouragement, then I will look after myself. Fuck the protector is back, bastard, I can’t control this, I love her but now he’s ,making me think really bad things, maybe this is wot the quack need to know. Whenever I think of someone I love he kicks in and causes anger. I feel guilty for hurting the ones and the one I love but as soon as she walks in, the protector will be back and we’ll argue. Its like my brain switches and I can feel the chemical changes in my body but they feel so natural and intuitive that I can’t stop them! Just like I can’t stop drinking right now!
I told my work colleagues about my father’s leukemia today I never tell my them anything about my life that’s NOT positive. And these are students I’m not that close to, although maybe X I see as a father figure as he wants to buy me lunch and practice his English and he loves philosophy and of course so do I. although I do think that philosophy has fucked me up a bit. I can’t write a sentence that’s not inconsistent. That’s how my brain works. I love somebody and then when I see them I show the opposite emotions. I argue and debate analytically but life for me is about emotions. I hate logic and analysis it destroys feelings, intuition and the magic of life. Life is more than the physical world of matter and quarks that scientists talk about. Much more. I feel drained and I know the protector is trying to stop me typing but I won’t let him have control anymore. Although tomorrow when I wake up he’ll be back. He always is! He’s the teacher and how I survive - how can I destroy him? Need to keep tonight’s text messages, think they will be important. They show how fucked up and inconsistent my thoughts and feelings are. It’s like I only live in a little moments without narrative or consistency. My mind would make a terrible novel. Have to show my girlfriend this, can’t let the protector make excuses this time. Gotta beat this evil. I’ll let him smoke and drink a bit that’ll work, give him some leeway. This is crazy talking about two people inside of me. Probably all part of his cunning game! Keep me confused and my guard can’t keep him at bay! Hope I don’t go completely mad, if I had overdosed then I would have been committed (if I had survived) Was imagining waking up surrounded by people who love me and saying to them, what bastards they are for not letting me go. I hate the fact that people save people’s lives if they chose to go. It’s their decision not to go on, other people who live in this `shit hole of a world. Who are they to bring back someone who sees the truth and hypocrisy we live in. The depressed are the ones who see how fucked up the world. Its, the rest live in an illusion. Feel dizzy and sick and should sleep but gonna drink more, smoke and wallow and wait for my girlfriend, should eat and sleep but can’t! At least I’m expert at this now. This state of mind is quite pleasant and safe. Time drifts away…….

Anger, I’ve got it. As soon as I express it I’m ok again! I need to get it out somehow without hurting others but how? I can’t hurt myself anymore or others so I need a fucking outlet! The booze mellows me (usually) so that’s why I drink it and so did the anorexia! (Or releases the anger on some poor unsuspecting fool!)

It seems so obvious now. OK need to take this document on Friday. My girlfriend activates my schemas; that’s why I’m so pissed with her moving away, without her I remain in this horrible cycle. That’s why I thought she was the one; she is the key to my getting better. It’s a lot to ask though!