Excuse the latin title but it seemed fitting with this particular entry! Have now returned to my homeland and a lot of things have changed recently. I have started drinking (but not abusing) alcohol recently and really enjoying the sense of freedom it gives me. i.e. It helps me to relax and is a sign that I'm more socially active again; something I NEED right now that's for sure! Also I have weened myself off my meds (finally!) and although I didn't do it with the doctor's blessing, I feel good about this because it happened naturally and I'm coping well with it. However, it's not all plain sailing as I still suffer from the physical sensations of anxiety but I'm determined now to use my newly found skills and deal with it without making it a drama and a disability. I say 'disability' because in the past it has severely restricted my actions and choices in life and now I feel is the time to not let it continue its strong hold on me. Right now for example, I'm feeling a little anxious but I'm not going to take anything and I'm not going to fight it. Perhaps if I admit to myself that it's a part of me as much my arms and legs are it will be something that doesn't restrict my liberty anymore.
I also want to show some particularly insightful writing that came out when I was feeling 'down', so as much as I'd like to end on a lighter note, I think it's important for anyone reading who is going through similar things to me to realise that other people also have some pretty 'dark' thoughts in their mind. I wrote this on the plane without editing or thinking so excuse the scattery, grammatically questionable nature of my diatribe!
"I'm on my way back from 'X' and not had any prozac for 2 days. Can't decide if this is a good or bad thing right now. I'm not freaking out at least but definitely feel a little scared that I might.
-One thing I'm trying to do is 'feel' everything that I can. This might sound strange but it's something I've got to do because I've previously programmed myself not to do it because by NOT feeling and having emotional attachments I can't get hurt!
Not sure if my life in 'Y' is still the right thing or not?!
I've also realised that I still have this smaller yet prevalent, devilish little voice in my head that 'pops up' from time to time. 5 minutes ago, I seriously imagined -and only imagined!--what it would be like to jump out of the plane. The strange thing about this is it's NOT a depressing thought, idea, concept, whatever..BUT more like a 'why not consider the idea?'. Perhaps this demonstrates a longing for freedom, absolute freedom, the kind I can't get from this world, so restricted by social norms, behaviour, programming and even the laws of physics that mean I have to comply with the limitations of the physical world.
I've chosen not to make a once in a lifetime leap through the (right now) inviting sky with its promise of an absolutely mind-blowing journey of new and obviously short lived experiences. Is this depression speaking?, good sense?; it's like sometimes I don't get why people don't or can't see this? This world of hypocrisy, propaganda, lies, media and warfare.
But even removal of all human suffering wouldn't make everything OK for me. So, what would? Is there anything that would or will I never be free, enslaved by this incorrect perspective and subjective interpretation of how things are?
- Perhaps I need my meds after all, at least they'll silence this and provide
a more comfortable prison for me to inhabit!
Depressives have a GOOD life, good things happen to them, nice feelings are experienced by them so what makes other people different from me? Who is the better and more honest person? Am I getting reality wrong or are you? Am I the fool or the sage? Do I want to destroy these thoughts because they are just WRONG or are they so fundamental to me that to do so would be to remove my essence? (whatever that might mean!)
In X, I was thinking about change. Should I make this my last year, last few months even, move to another place, study again, become an A,B or C???? Once my ex-girlfriend told me that people didn't feel any different to me and although I know this to be true - intellectually, (with help from the meds no doubt!) I'm not sure if I believe it or even whether I should!
One thing I do know is how lonely I feel and how much I didn't feel so at home with my family. Maybe the problem has now become the solution? I've been craving alcohol in the last few days, in fact RIGHT NOW!
When I re-started drinking I had no ill-effects or negative feelings for that matter but if I could there is a part of me that would love to live in a permanently drunk state.Not violently but 'with the edge taken off of life' and the lines smoothed
out....
I guess I need my meds again, and so the cycle continues to revolve back around again and again and again.
Question. If prozac and the doctor works, why do I not express these feelings? It's only when I'm 'dry' that this stuff comes out. I guess the doctor would say they are stabilising but do I really want this stability, really?
Do I prefer to be like this - this newly created comfort being, that the doctor has created?"
