Felt sick before work and on my way home although it might just be travel sickness, maybe I suffer that too or maybe it's another kind of nausea? Anyway I'm not going to let it ruin my evening! It also made me think a little about Sartre's idea of the 'Nausea of
existence' and inspired the following research which isn't Sartre based but interesting nevertheless!
I read up on a Philosopher called Marcuse. He was an advocate of socialism and critique of some of Freud's ideas. I feel that as I'm going through this process of Psychoanalysis, I should really try and understand it as best I can. I studied Psychology at 'A' level so have some background knowledge but it makes more sense now that I'm actually a patient (or victim!?) of a Psychological disorder. Marcuse basically refuted one of Freud's basic tennants that people must repress their base instincts which are founded on violence and destruction by insisting that a liberation of our instincts would produce a liberated, happy and healthier human being. However whilst living in the types of society we do today (i.e. Consumerist Capitalistic!) where our base sexual instincts are repressed, instead of happiness being manifested we become guilty. Guilt of course is Psychologically unhealthy and puts a lid on our happiness (in my interpretation!).
So the answer to my problems is sex!? Well I must admit the idea that sexual instincts create energy and that energy is not properly channelled in the modern world is quite appealing if not exactly do-able! We must remember that Marcuse was really more concerned with Politics than Psycholanalysis but if you knew me well you might make a connection here with the idea that the World is certainly not the place it should be! Many an evening I'd cleverly manipulate light-hearted pub talk into a discussion about the state of the world and the fact that this current capitalistic environment we inhabit is hardly going in the right direction! The US, is for example a perfect model of capitalism pushed to its extremes and I'd hardly call its current political tactics (War, Presidents who circumnavigate the democratic process etc....) particularly appealing or logical. How people can defend a nation whose society helps foster children who walk into schools with guns, devilish leaders, homelessness and huge drug problems is beyond me. Maybe there is more to my anxiety than meets the eye, maybe parenting is a significant part of it but not the whole picture. Is it possible that the larger realm of existence is also an influence on my Psychological state with its hypocrisy, cruelty and obsession with the self and only the self (i.e. and not community or working together to create freedom)? I can't say right now but based on the idea that our Psychological makeup is crafted as we develop through life, it would be ridiculous to only found that makeup on one factor, the small world we live in called our family! Is the larger world also reponsible for how our mind functions or disfunctions?
Wednesday 28 February 2007
Doctor calls in sick!
I was all 'psyched' up for my trip to the doctor when he cancelled until Friday because of the flu! This is not such a bad thing however as it psychologically gives me a chance to see if I can stand on my own two feet. The fact that he is there as a crutch each week is more significant than you think. At the moment one of his techniques is to become a surrogate father to me and help build the 'lonely' little boy inside of me up and stronger. It's like this part of me has been imprisoned all of his life and we're trying to befriend him and strengthen him enough to live in the real world. I imagine the scene like a dungeon where the lonely boy is imprisoned yet safe and outside the walls of the dungeon is a large bowser type figure (a large fighting beast!) who is always ready for action and is paranoid of trouble! This is the protector side of me which we need to weaken! I say weaken because the protector is not evil or useless, we all have one, it's just in my case the protector has become too strong and often makes bad decisions! For eg Hmm maybe a little wine will help to calm me down....
I also often imagine the classic cartoon figures of a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. The protector you can imagine is the the devil figure (although he's not actually evil!) and the lonely boy, the angel. Now in most people the two figures would be equal and constantly going back and forth, debating etc..but in my case the devil is much bigger than the angel and so the angel can't be heard and the devil runs all the shows! Now, what we are trying to do, is make the angel bigger so that it can be heard and have a chance to stand up to the devil figure! In this way you can almost think of it more like an equal debating system so I am able to way up the pros and cons of any situation with a balanced sense of perspective, with the angel and devil both having their chances to speak! Sounds crazy but believe me it works and don't forget these are only metaphorical concepts that are applied to Psychological processes!
BTW I'm still avoiding coffee and feeling less anxious! However I did get a little anxiety last night before sleeping probably because I didn't go to the doctor! I let it pass however and fell asleep!
I also often imagine the classic cartoon figures of a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. The protector you can imagine is the the devil figure (although he's not actually evil!) and the lonely boy, the angel. Now in most people the two figures would be equal and constantly going back and forth, debating etc..but in my case the devil is much bigger than the angel and so the angel can't be heard and the devil runs all the shows! Now, what we are trying to do, is make the angel bigger so that it can be heard and have a chance to stand up to the devil figure! In this way you can almost think of it more like an equal debating system so I am able to way up the pros and cons of any situation with a balanced sense of perspective, with the angel and devil both having their chances to speak! Sounds crazy but believe me it works and don't forget these are only metaphorical concepts that are applied to Psychological processes!
BTW I'm still avoiding coffee and feeling less anxious! However I did get a little anxiety last night before sleeping probably because I didn't go to the doctor! I let it pass however and fell asleep!
Monday 26 February 2007
Caffeined up and down!
Well I think I've realised that caffeine is NOT good for my disposition. Felt fine this morning but after a coffee of two started feeling a little anxious. I have therefore decided to cut out another vice in my list of things I can no longer ingest into my body. That only leaves smoking but for now I'm happy to at least keep that one, I need some kind of crutch right now! After lunch my anxiety dissipated - thankfully, and I'm realising that these episodes are only temporary and can't harm me permanently.
Am going to the doctor tomorrow and for once I'm not stressed about it. Money aside, I'm actually looking forward to it! Generally I'm feeling pretty good right now, possibly because I feel more on top of all of this than before and have faith that it's working! (It's easy to feel sceptical about such a long and expensive process but I think it really does work!). Still, let's see how tomorrow goes, I need to take one day at a time, I've lost count of the amount of times I've convinced myself that I'm better and can stop going to the doctor, only to suffer a major crash a couple of days later!
Am going to the doctor tomorrow and for once I'm not stressed about it. Money aside, I'm actually looking forward to it! Generally I'm feeling pretty good right now, possibly because I feel more on top of all of this than before and have faith that it's working! (It's easy to feel sceptical about such a long and expensive process but I think it really does work!). Still, let's see how tomorrow goes, I need to take one day at a time, I've lost count of the amount of times I've convinced myself that I'm better and can stop going to the doctor, only to suffer a major crash a couple of days later!
Sunday 25 February 2007
A day of peace and solitude!
Feeling much better today. Only had a little anxiety yesterday so I went out for lunch with a friend and felt fine. Spent last night exploring my past. I have done this through various means in the last few months and found it very beneficial. The first thing I did was to acquire and look at old photos from my childhood. This helped me to remember some of my old self and provides data for imagery work. I then listened to a lot of old music from teen years which again helped to unleash parts from another part of my life. The final thing I did was to play some old video and arcade games. It’s amazing how the sounds and tunes and the feelings of playing those games has really helped! I woke up today after spending last night exploring old classics like Paperboy, Return of the Jedi and some other more obscure classics, feeling calm and at peace. I therefore recommend trying these ideas if you are going through something like this yourself. I’ve also watched old TV shows on Google video and You Tube which again trigger a lot of old very deep memories.
It’s nice not feeling anxious for a change and I hope I can hold onto this feeling, I guess this is the overall goal, to feel like this all the time. Whether I do of course remains to be seen, but I feel optimistic right now. Maybe my journey of self discovery is finally doing some good!
It’s nice not feeling anxious for a change and I hope I can hold onto this feeling, I guess this is the overall goal, to feel like this all the time. Whether I do of course remains to be seen, but I feel optimistic right now. Maybe my journey of self discovery is finally doing some good!
Friday 23 February 2007
Friday in the fast lane?
Well despite having a really good day at work now the weekend is virtually here, it’s time for my anxiety to kick in! Got home around 6pm after meeting a friend for coffee and cooked some food but two hours on and am starting to feel the chemical changes in my body and mind of my old friend anxiety. I was thinking that it feels kind of like being drugged but in this case rather than getting ‘high’, you feel lower than usual with a side order of despair! I wouldn’t mind so much if it was because of a drug but it’s not and so you never know from moment to moment when the change will take place. It’s happening right now and I’m trying to hear the doctor’s voice in my head saying ‘noting can hurt you, nothing bad is going to happen and it’ll pass soon, just ignore it and let it pass’. Well I understand this in theory but right now, I feel angry because I don’t want to feel like this, it’s Friday night for Christ’s sake and I should be meeting friends not cooped up in my prison cell of a room feeling despair and questioning what the point is of living and going through this stupid time of lowness, drowsiness and stuck in my own head! It’s not fair! I never caused this, all I did was react to the world around me in the best way I could and now I’m paying the cost for other people’s bad behaviour and parenting! Not only that but it’s costing me a small fortune and has ruined all my relationships and is sucking every last penny out of me, so much so that I don’t know how much longer I can continue like this.
Thursday 22 February 2007
Sweet normality!
Humdrum, normal reality at last! Might sound boring, but for me it’s a sign that things are looking up! No anxiety today, no attacks and feel at peace with myself. I hope I can keep this up now and avoid problematic paths like alcohol again. I guess it’s all up to me now. Had a good day at work, been chatting online to a friend and watching lots of documentaries about dinosaurs and politics and generally keeping myself away from unnecessary stress. Let’s see what tomorrow brings, I think I just have to live one day at a time!
Wednesday 21 February 2007
Midweek madness?
Yay, another good day although felt a little tearful for a bit. No anxiety and just a little tired from yesterday’s session followed by band practice. This is all normal though so am not concerned. Life and therapy is looking up at the moment and the doctor hopes I will be done in six months or so.
Forgot to mention before that in the past I also had IBS for awhile. This is yet another physical manifestation of anxiety (in my case chronic constipation!) although at the time it was put down to stress and I managed to recover naturally by changing my diet and lifestyle. I quit my job to focus on music and ‘A’ levels at night-school then went to university.
I also used to be into S and M, especially the receiving aspect. I guess receiving pain helped me to feel again and also exorcise some internal demons. I was quite seriously in to it but bizarrely didn’t really feel proud of myself. I liked leather belts and buckles, sticks and being severely bitten. Often I’d be covered in bruises, teeth marks and scratches, cuts.
I have a feeling it’s all over now in my life and I’m now seeking tenderness in people.
I also wonder if it’s also connected to the fact I used to self flagellate myself when I was younger due to not being able to standup to my monster of a father. I used to hit myself when I was too scared to fight back or just felt low, it was better than receiving my father’s wrath and temporarily at least I felt better - although really it was probably due to my unconscious telling me that I really am useless and unlovable. I know that now to be wrong but it’s a hard voice to ignore and its loud and very manipulative, a kind of expert rhetorical speaker or like a charismatic but intentionally self-serving, self-obsessed politician. I’m sure you’ll understand this analogy well if you live in the western world!
Forgot to mention before that in the past I also had IBS for awhile. This is yet another physical manifestation of anxiety (in my case chronic constipation!) although at the time it was put down to stress and I managed to recover naturally by changing my diet and lifestyle. I quit my job to focus on music and ‘A’ levels at night-school then went to university.
I also used to be into S and M, especially the receiving aspect. I guess receiving pain helped me to feel again and also exorcise some internal demons. I was quite seriously in to it but bizarrely didn’t really feel proud of myself. I liked leather belts and buckles, sticks and being severely bitten. Often I’d be covered in bruises, teeth marks and scratches, cuts.
I have a feeling it’s all over now in my life and I’m now seeking tenderness in people.
I also wonder if it’s also connected to the fact I used to self flagellate myself when I was younger due to not being able to standup to my monster of a father. I used to hit myself when I was too scared to fight back or just felt low, it was better than receiving my father’s wrath and temporarily at least I felt better - although really it was probably due to my unconscious telling me that I really am useless and unlovable. I know that now to be wrong but it’s a hard voice to ignore and its loud and very manipulative, a kind of expert rhetorical speaker or like a charismatic but intentionally self-serving, self-obsessed politician. I’m sure you’ll understand this analogy well if you live in the western world!
On my magic carpet!
Still, things are looking up! Anxiety has dropped as of late and my trip to the doctor was a great success! First, my doctor asked me about my anxiety attack on Saturday and I told him that as I had followed all of his instructions and pursued a ‘healthy’ route to coping with it, by the end of the day I was much better! The healthy route involves speaking to friends and family and not taking alcohol and only taking valium as a last resort, which I managed to avoid! This was a big step as it proves that my inner self is becoming stronger and more self reliant!
Today was very much focused on imagery work and I took my magic carpet on a long and fascinating journey into the depths of my mind. We visited some periods of my teens which were connected to my anxiety attack on Saturday. The doctor and I have realized that on Saturdays I tend to be prone to severe anxiety, so we explored my inner regions to try and ascertain ‘why?’ It turned out that weekends (now) were times of more increased anxiety due to the fact that my family used to be more closely around me, when I was a child. As my family (mainly my father!) was a catalyst of anxiety I would naturally retire into my ‘shell’. In other words I would withdraw into my room and any inner escapes I could find there in order to avoid anxious situations and feel safe! Often this revolved around large consumptions of tea and chocolate (how ‘English ‘of me!) and seeking fantasy escapes such as computer games, Radio 4 and books. Now these things are in themselves not particularly dangerous (especially Radio 4!) of course but the point is I am not choosing them but using them as escapes from a situation that makes me feel uncomfortable and I’m not only doing this to excess but I’m masquerading my loneliness and angst! Through the imagery both my doctor and I re-visited some of these situations and created an almost revised conception of these events by reshaping my memory so that in my current mind, I was not being psychologically bullied but existing there in peace and harmony and far from fear. Now you might argue that this memory is false and although in some ways it does have an element of fiction, all we are really do is changing my perspective from possessing a memory full of angst and anxiety to one where the events are the same but the feeling is one of safety and therefore devoid of anxiety! Believe it or not this anxiety is still currently residing inside of me after more than twenty years!
We also explored some other regions where my father had acted unreasonably, and made me feel humiliated, down-trodden and unloved. One particular time was when I went sailing and took a friend of mine with me and my father lost his rag because we were messing about jumping out of the boat etc (as children do!). Now my Father no doubt had a point, that what we were doing could damage the boat but rather than explaining that to me he lost his temper and created yet more anxiety in my already ample supply. Not only that but he psychologically crushed and humiliated me in front of my best friend at an age where I’m very sensitive to criticism and am trying to grow spiritually into an adult. With the doctor we were able to deal with this by again, re-living the memory but this time I stood up to my father and told him that I wasn’t going to let him bully me like this, that I’m old enough to care of myself and the boat and that I knew it was a mistake to misuse it but I’m sorry and already understand my mistake without having to be punished.
Standing up to my Father is very important at the moment because it helps strengthen lonely Mark who is still very weak inside. This weakness manifests itself as schema activation and we all know what that leads to!
Parents watch out - you may not realize what you’re creating in the long run when you let your temper and irrational side rule your roost!
Today was very much focused on imagery work and I took my magic carpet on a long and fascinating journey into the depths of my mind. We visited some periods of my teens which were connected to my anxiety attack on Saturday. The doctor and I have realized that on Saturdays I tend to be prone to severe anxiety, so we explored my inner regions to try and ascertain ‘why?’ It turned out that weekends (now) were times of more increased anxiety due to the fact that my family used to be more closely around me, when I was a child. As my family (mainly my father!) was a catalyst of anxiety I would naturally retire into my ‘shell’. In other words I would withdraw into my room and any inner escapes I could find there in order to avoid anxious situations and feel safe! Often this revolved around large consumptions of tea and chocolate (how ‘English ‘of me!) and seeking fantasy escapes such as computer games, Radio 4 and books. Now these things are in themselves not particularly dangerous (especially Radio 4!) of course but the point is I am not choosing them but using them as escapes from a situation that makes me feel uncomfortable and I’m not only doing this to excess but I’m masquerading my loneliness and angst! Through the imagery both my doctor and I re-visited some of these situations and created an almost revised conception of these events by reshaping my memory so that in my current mind, I was not being psychologically bullied but existing there in peace and harmony and far from fear. Now you might argue that this memory is false and although in some ways it does have an element of fiction, all we are really do is changing my perspective from possessing a memory full of angst and anxiety to one where the events are the same but the feeling is one of safety and therefore devoid of anxiety! Believe it or not this anxiety is still currently residing inside of me after more than twenty years!
We also explored some other regions where my father had acted unreasonably, and made me feel humiliated, down-trodden and unloved. One particular time was when I went sailing and took a friend of mine with me and my father lost his rag because we were messing about jumping out of the boat etc (as children do!). Now my Father no doubt had a point, that what we were doing could damage the boat but rather than explaining that to me he lost his temper and created yet more anxiety in my already ample supply. Not only that but he psychologically crushed and humiliated me in front of my best friend at an age where I’m very sensitive to criticism and am trying to grow spiritually into an adult. With the doctor we were able to deal with this by again, re-living the memory but this time I stood up to my father and told him that I wasn’t going to let him bully me like this, that I’m old enough to care of myself and the boat and that I knew it was a mistake to misuse it but I’m sorry and already understand my mistake without having to be punished.
Standing up to my Father is very important at the moment because it helps strengthen lonely Mark who is still very weak inside. This weakness manifests itself as schema activation and we all know what that leads to!
Parents watch out - you may not realize what you’re creating in the long run when you let your temper and irrational side rule your roost!
Monday 19 February 2007
Monday - Back to the grindstone?
Another good day today! Didn’t have quite as much work as I thought I would and so had a lunch with a friend of mine in the sun, which was nice. Talked a little about my condition and ex, so managed to get a few things off of my chest. The fact that I was ‘out’ and feeling no anxiety was also a plus! Been thinking that although I’ve been having a hard time as of late, things seem to be looking up. I’m not anxious about the doctor tomorrow (yet!) and am feeling much more calm inside like the tempest has dissipated and the waves are just lapping gently against the shore of my soul!
A friend asked me why the imagery work was always about exploring painful memories and I want to put the record straight. Ultimately re-working old, painful memories is our goal but at the moment due to the power of my ‘protector’ we are only able to explore less painful ones as I am unable to re-live memories of utter fear. The doctor is basically trying to form a relationship with ‘lonely Mark’ which is the imprisoned, lonely child that has been festering inside of me for 20years.. Little by little this child is starting to trust the psychiatrist and together we are learning to confront my ‘bully of a father’ again which helps the boy grow stronger. Sometimes the imagery also involves me taking on the role of my Father which is strange to say the least. The main point about this type of therapy is that it is very subjective, so my pain is seen as not something to be questioned as such but it is as real as I have made it or believe it to be. Maybe some of my memories are biased are not exactly objective but this is unimportant as these memories are eating up my insides and destroying me so must be dispelled! This is our quest, a long and hard one but through time and patience, I believe it is achievable and I’ll be a stronger, more confident person for it!
A friend asked me why the imagery work was always about exploring painful memories and I want to put the record straight. Ultimately re-working old, painful memories is our goal but at the moment due to the power of my ‘protector’ we are only able to explore less painful ones as I am unable to re-live memories of utter fear. The doctor is basically trying to form a relationship with ‘lonely Mark’ which is the imprisoned, lonely child that has been festering inside of me for 20years.. Little by little this child is starting to trust the psychiatrist and together we are learning to confront my ‘bully of a father’ again which helps the boy grow stronger. Sometimes the imagery also involves me taking on the role of my Father which is strange to say the least. The main point about this type of therapy is that it is very subjective, so my pain is seen as not something to be questioned as such but it is as real as I have made it or believe it to be. Maybe some of my memories are biased are not exactly objective but this is unimportant as these memories are eating up my insides and destroying me so must be dispelled! This is our quest, a long and hard one but through time and patience, I believe it is achievable and I’ll be a stronger, more confident person for it!
Sunday 18 February 2007
Sunday - a day of rest!
Well today I’m much better, no anxiety or feelings of nausea and I’m actually enjoying slobbing around the house and feeling lazy. This is something that a naturally anxious person like me finds hard to do! Yesterday my feelings of panic eventually dissipated without having to resort to anything other than my own mind letting the feelings wash over itself. I cancelled the work ‘do’ and although my body felt a little strange for the rest of the day (like a panic attack hangover!), I took no valium and drank no alcohol.
I spent most of the evening relaxing, reading and playing PC games so despite my dramatic start to the day, the rest of it was pretty much normal and for me normal is strange and this is what I have to aspire to!
I have two days left until I see my doctor again, normally I get some anxiety the night before so we’ll see how things pan out tomorrow after a hard day’s work! Well as I’m not feeling any ill effects I think I’m going to leave this here and go out and live a little whilst I can! The thing about my condition is you have to grab the better moments when you can!
I spent most of the evening relaxing, reading and playing PC games so despite my dramatic start to the day, the rest of it was pretty much normal and for me normal is strange and this is what I have to aspire to!
I have two days left until I see my doctor again, normally I get some anxiety the night before so we’ll see how things pan out tomorrow after a hard day’s work! Well as I’m not feeling any ill effects I think I’m going to leave this here and go out and live a little whilst I can! The thing about my condition is you have to grab the better moments when you can!
Saturday 17 February 2007
My body takes over
Just had an anxiety attack. My throat felt like it was going to make me vomit my soul out of me. Spoke to friends online but it didn´t help as much as I would have liked so I phoned my doctor. We spoke for about twenty minutes and he helped to calm me down. Now I feel better but don´t think I can go to this work ´do´. It´s too much pressure to be in public and have to perform so I ´ll have to phone and cancel. The good thing is I haven´t resorted to valium or alcohol, just mint tea to help the nausea. He told me to be calm, read a book, realise I´m not going to be sick and try and let my symptons pass naturally. They are not permenant and panicking will only prolong the process. He thought the cause was a combination of the work event, my singer leaving and removing the phone number of my ex because this finalises the abandonment process for good. It´s amazing how small, ordinary events set me off! I wonder what´s next?
I´m tired and dizzy now and a firework bang just made me jump out of my skin!
I´m tired and dizzy now and a firework bang just made me jump out of my skin!
In sickness and in health
Today I’m really anxious. Possibly because I didn’t sleep well last night and I have to go to a work ´do´. Yesterday was a good day, I felt light and breezy and we wrote some good music in the evening. I managed to avoid drinking alcohol even though the social occasion warranted it and came home early as I was tired. I felt quite emotional because our singer has decided to move away and it puts the band in jeopardy as her voice is so beautiful and inspiring right now.
Right now though I feel very anxious, I don’t tend to get panic attacks anymore but the anxiety now manifests itself in nausea. It’s like the pain and darkness inside of me is so intense that body needs to physically chuck it out of me in any way it can. I might need to take some valium but am trying hard to deal with this naturally, although if this keeps up and I have to perform at work then I’ll have to use it as a crutch, like a man with a broken leg needs his cane!
If I didn’t have to leave the house I know that in this mood I wouldn’t. I’d spend the day tossing and turning on my bed, crying and feeling sick. It’s so annoying that my free time is spent going through these experiences, I wish I could enjoy my time off like a normal human being although I have no idea what that means anymore!
Yesterday I met a friend for lunch and told her about this blog and my suicidal tendencies and she was really supportive. This surprised me because I barely know her, yet she said I could call her if I ever need her. This reinforces my faith in humanity a little as the way my brain normally works is to unconsciously imagine everyone as a threat, probably because I think they have a mind like mine that always looks for the negatives!
Besides writing this right now, I’m listening to music from my childhood hoping it will calm the inner child in me and reduce my anxiety. I think it’s working but I have a feeling that this is not going to be a good day, it’s going to be a another fight again with my battered body and mind! If only I could find inner peace and tranquility!
My ex hasn’t responded to my email by the way and I have deleted her phone number from my mobile so I cannot contact her if I have an episode later.
The chances are 50/50…
Right now though I feel very anxious, I don’t tend to get panic attacks anymore but the anxiety now manifests itself in nausea. It’s like the pain and darkness inside of me is so intense that body needs to physically chuck it out of me in any way it can. I might need to take some valium but am trying hard to deal with this naturally, although if this keeps up and I have to perform at work then I’ll have to use it as a crutch, like a man with a broken leg needs his cane!
If I didn’t have to leave the house I know that in this mood I wouldn’t. I’d spend the day tossing and turning on my bed, crying and feeling sick. It’s so annoying that my free time is spent going through these experiences, I wish I could enjoy my time off like a normal human being although I have no idea what that means anymore!
Yesterday I met a friend for lunch and told her about this blog and my suicidal tendencies and she was really supportive. This surprised me because I barely know her, yet she said I could call her if I ever need her. This reinforces my faith in humanity a little as the way my brain normally works is to unconsciously imagine everyone as a threat, probably because I think they have a mind like mine that always looks for the negatives!
Besides writing this right now, I’m listening to music from my childhood hoping it will calm the inner child in me and reduce my anxiety. I think it’s working but I have a feeling that this is not going to be a good day, it’s going to be a another fight again with my battered body and mind! If only I could find inner peace and tranquility!
My ex hasn’t responded to my email by the way and I have deleted her phone number from my mobile so I cannot contact her if I have an episode later.
The chances are 50/50…
Thursday 15 February 2007
A good day - phew!
Finally a good day. Got up and had some breakfast without any anxiety of loss of appetite! In fact I've been much less anxious today and everything therefore went smoothly. Went to the chemist and managed to get some valium so if I ever sink into a depression/suicidal state like last Saturday, I can take these as a last resort! Of course if it does happen then I'll try and fight it and speak to friends first or the doctor rather than fall into an alcoholic, psychotic drunken stuper!
Diazepam is the brand of valium that I'm taking and it significantly helps with depressive episodes and kills dead panic attacks. It also makes you high as a kite the first few times but then tolerance is very swift!
The downside is that it makes me very drowsy and it's difficult to function because you feel so relaxed and lethargic.They are also highly addicitive and as people like me genrally have addicitve personalities we have to be careful. I actually went through a phase of taking them daily and my doctor refused to re-new my prescription for fear of me abusing them. I think he was right! Talking of addicitons, I have also been addicted to gambling at age 17 and often abuse alcohol although I'm trying hard not to now. In fact I don't drink at all which is a shame because I used to be incredibly fun and energetic to be around after a few whiskys. You should have seen me dance!
But it's not all gloom and doom, my life. Reading this journal you might think so but the life of someone like me is not necessarily a sad one, it's just that we go through phases and cycles of self-destruction and gloom! I have and do play in a band and I have a professional and rewarding job. I also play chess and love reading and films. Further I live in a fantastic city which is extremely stimulating and hold a good degree in Philosophy. Basically my life has gone through phases of extremely good to extremely bad depending often on the events surrounding me. The difference now is that I'm at an age where I cannot continue my oldlifestyle of self-abuse, chemical and alcohol abuse and being a stand-offish and difficult moody person. That is why I'm on medication and seeking pyschological help and that is why I'm writing this diary!
Diazepam is the brand of valium that I'm taking and it significantly helps with depressive episodes and kills dead panic attacks. It also makes you high as a kite the first few times but then tolerance is very swift!
The downside is that it makes me very drowsy and it's difficult to function because you feel so relaxed and lethargic.They are also highly addicitive and as people like me genrally have addicitve personalities we have to be careful. I actually went through a phase of taking them daily and my doctor refused to re-new my prescription for fear of me abusing them. I think he was right! Talking of addicitons, I have also been addicted to gambling at age 17 and often abuse alcohol although I'm trying hard not to now. In fact I don't drink at all which is a shame because I used to be incredibly fun and energetic to be around after a few whiskys. You should have seen me dance!
But it's not all gloom and doom, my life. Reading this journal you might think so but the life of someone like me is not necessarily a sad one, it's just that we go through phases and cycles of self-destruction and gloom! I have and do play in a band and I have a professional and rewarding job. I also play chess and love reading and films. Further I live in a fantastic city which is extremely stimulating and hold a good degree in Philosophy. Basically my life has gone through phases of extremely good to extremely bad depending often on the events surrounding me. The difference now is that I'm at an age where I cannot continue my oldlifestyle of self-abuse, chemical and alcohol abuse and being a stand-offish and difficult moody person. That is why I'm on medication and seeking pyschological help and that is why I'm writing this diary!
Wednesday 14 February 2007
Valentine's day - oh joy!
I feel very weak today and cried before work after feeling anxious and nauseous and am now on my way home and feel sick again. Valentine's day sucks when you are alone and it's difficult to avoid it unless you lock yourself in your room all day!
Or maybe it's just because I'm poorly right now and suffering from a cold or maybe it's a hangover from the session last night, either way I just the want the bus to get me to my destination. Today I also felt more impatient than normal (I don't suffer fools gladly!) and worse, some suicidal thoughts as I stared up at the tall building near my bus stop. I imagined the thrill of breaking into the building, descending the stairs and then leaping to my death and feeling the unique sensations that it would bring! (albeit the last too!). I didn't however (obviously). It occurred to me too that my long-term depression of 20 odd years could be the reason for my fear of heights. I wish I was looking forward to going home but I'm not as I keep imagining how nice it would be if someone was there for me, to cook some nice soup and be concerned about me but I know that's not reailty right now. Am feeling tired of this habitual struggle to combat my lowness, darkness, morbidity and the fight to stay alive but something keeps me going, perhaps the thought that it IS curable and temporary and that one day I'll never even be able to imagine these feelings I'm having right now again. Perhaps one day I'll also have my own place and a cat and feel safe again. The sertraline helps me too, as it's an anti-depressant and SSRI. I've been taken them for about 8 months now. These drugs work by helping the brain to use normal levels of serotonin more affectively. This is an improvement on the 'old skool' anti-depressants which I believe increased serotonin levels and thus were much more addictive! These drugs are no miracle cure though and they have many side-effects; in my case nausea, libido malfunction and loss of appetite. To end on a high note, writing this has actually made me a little more positive and I can recommend this as a form of therapy. Writing, somehow is therapeutic and if you are ever in the unfortuante position of going through therapy you should find your doctor will recommend it. In fact, a good therapist will give you homework to do, such as reading, writing and keeping diaries and I'd recommend you do all of them! In my case I had to read about schema therapy and coping methods for panic attacks, and touch wood I haven't had any panic attacks recently, and the ones I had became weaker as my therapy went on. I can also recommend listening to old music to trigger memories and acquiring old family photos. I did this and it was definitely beneficial in helping me get in touch with my inner self, he's the one in pain and he's the one I need to nurture back to the world of the living! Maybe next Valentine's day will be something I'll look forward to rather than make me feel sick!
PS I forgot to mention that I emailed my ex last night apologising for my behavior and she hasn't replied yet! I'm not expecting a reply but it would be nice to have a little inner peace about this! I also hope she doesn't read it today as it's not exactly valentine's reading!
Oops...better watch this space.....
Or maybe it's just because I'm poorly right now and suffering from a cold or maybe it's a hangover from the session last night, either way I just the want the bus to get me to my destination. Today I also felt more impatient than normal (I don't suffer fools gladly!) and worse, some suicidal thoughts as I stared up at the tall building near my bus stop. I imagined the thrill of breaking into the building, descending the stairs and then leaping to my death and feeling the unique sensations that it would bring! (albeit the last too!). I didn't however (obviously). It occurred to me too that my long-term depression of 20 odd years could be the reason for my fear of heights. I wish I was looking forward to going home but I'm not as I keep imagining how nice it would be if someone was there for me, to cook some nice soup and be concerned about me but I know that's not reailty right now. Am feeling tired of this habitual struggle to combat my lowness, darkness, morbidity and the fight to stay alive but something keeps me going, perhaps the thought that it IS curable and temporary and that one day I'll never even be able to imagine these feelings I'm having right now again. Perhaps one day I'll also have my own place and a cat and feel safe again. The sertraline helps me too, as it's an anti-depressant and SSRI. I've been taken them for about 8 months now. These drugs work by helping the brain to use normal levels of serotonin more affectively. This is an improvement on the 'old skool' anti-depressants which I believe increased serotonin levels and thus were much more addictive! These drugs are no miracle cure though and they have many side-effects; in my case nausea, libido malfunction and loss of appetite. To end on a high note, writing this has actually made me a little more positive and I can recommend this as a form of therapy. Writing, somehow is therapeutic and if you are ever in the unfortuante position of going through therapy you should find your doctor will recommend it. In fact, a good therapist will give you homework to do, such as reading, writing and keeping diaries and I'd recommend you do all of them! In my case I had to read about schema therapy and coping methods for panic attacks, and touch wood I haven't had any panic attacks recently, and the ones I had became weaker as my therapy went on. I can also recommend listening to old music to trigger memories and acquiring old family photos. I did this and it was definitely beneficial in helping me get in touch with my inner self, he's the one in pain and he's the one I need to nurture back to the world of the living! Maybe next Valentine's day will be something I'll look forward to rather than make me feel sick!
PS I forgot to mention that I emailed my ex last night apologising for my behavior and she hasn't replied yet! I'm not expecting a reply but it would be nice to have a little inner peace about this! I also hope she doesn't read it today as it's not exactly valentine's reading!
Oops...better watch this space.....
Tuesday 13 February 2007
A journey to the doc's.
Well today was one of many trips to see my doctor and as usual it was highly beneficial.
But first let's get my day in context! This morning I woke up with a cold so I've been feeling drowsy and icky all day. My flatmate cooked me some vegetable soup which really cheered me up. I spent a few hours chatting and faffing on the net and then cleaned my room. Doing this helped me to accept the reality that my ex had really moved out of my life so in many ways it was therapeutic. I had a shower and then prepared myself to leave for my session, and as usual my anxiety kicked in which it always does when I visit him. Don’t let me put you off though, my therapy is not only essential to my recovery but I always come away feeling really light and cheerful. I talked to him about the events of the weekend and we focused on my suicidal episode and then tried to ascertain the causes of it. He asked me to try and visualize and ‘feel’ the events that occurred before the main episode kicked in. I told him that on Saturday morning I woke up feeling well and spent the day cleaning and fixing my friend’s computer and then felt drowsy. I then led down on the sofa whilst listening to eighties music and then after a series of childhood flashbacks suddenly felt a torrent of tears rising up through my body. I left the room clandestinely and (unfortunately) took a bottle of red wine with me. This is where my trouble started as by drinking the wine I became more and more morose. I also started crying profusely (partly I thought because I was listening to Billie Holiday) and because I was having memories of the past and my relationship now defunct. Drinking more wine, I then got the idea to call my ex and try and talk about my feelings but she was working and unable to respond. This activated (what my Doctor calls ‘schemas’) and this is where the trouble started! People like me have schemas which are kind of like patterns of behaviour which are nurtured during childhood as defense mechanisms. Schemas take me over and cause me to act irrationally and like a poor, scared, abandoned child. My behavior then becomes a mirror of childhood and I become desperate and seek comfort under the illusion I cannot look after myself. Although these schemas are not constantly activated and at most other times are I am rational, ordinary and reasonable man, they become as real as any other part of my life and cause me to hurt those (in this case my ex) because I feel unsupported and weak. At this stage, I was sending texts and leaving phone calls asking for help. After half a bottle of wine, I decided to go and try and sleep but after about half an hour my ex texted me saying she couldn’t help me but would ring me tomorrow. Now, for a person in my situation at this moment, this is the worst possible thing can happen because it causes other schemas to activate which ‘think’ they are trying to protect me. My protector schema is a monster with no reason or empathy whose job is to attack anything that threatens the lonely little boy suffering inside of me. This resulted in me sending a barrage of messages to my ex, each one getting more and more horrible! Then the guilt and alcohol kicked in so I tried to masquerade my emotions further by guess what drinking more. I finished the bottle of wine and then became extremely suicidal. Luckily by the time I had got to this stage of the evening, I was to drunk and exhausted (by all the arguments and tears!) and eventually fell asleep feeling incredibly low. By talking to the doctor and doing some imagery work I have now learnt how to deal with situations like this in future. First, I need to turn to people who are prepared to help me, friends and family etc.. Second, I should call the doctor who can help me to feel less alone when I’m feeling this way and talk me into a calmer more secure state. Third, I should have taken some Valium, as this helps to subdue the feelings I have and enable to get past these feelings without resorting to suicidal tendencies. Valium is a very addictive drug so I have to be careful not to abuse it but it’s also incredibly good as abating panic attacks and if taken in moderation is not a danger. Don’t get me wrong I’m not trying to recommend that anyone takes any kind of chemicals to get through difficulties but if used under medical supervision it is much less dangerous than drinking excessively or throwing oneself under the nearest train. A very low day for me but as long as I can learn from these experiences a day I hope to never repeat as long as I have the strength to battle on through therapy.
The therapist also warned me NOT to drink any alcohol as it damages my progress and also to keep a diary of all of the meals that I eat as he is also worried that I might be slipping into anorexia again. I assured him that I wasn’t but I’ve taken his advice and started a spreadsheet as I can never be too sure whether or not my brain is always telling me the truth. If the protector is running the show, anything is possible! The fight continues….
But first let's get my day in context! This morning I woke up with a cold so I've been feeling drowsy and icky all day. My flatmate cooked me some vegetable soup which really cheered me up. I spent a few hours chatting and faffing on the net and then cleaned my room. Doing this helped me to accept the reality that my ex had really moved out of my life so in many ways it was therapeutic. I had a shower and then prepared myself to leave for my session, and as usual my anxiety kicked in which it always does when I visit him. Don’t let me put you off though, my therapy is not only essential to my recovery but I always come away feeling really light and cheerful. I talked to him about the events of the weekend and we focused on my suicidal episode and then tried to ascertain the causes of it. He asked me to try and visualize and ‘feel’ the events that occurred before the main episode kicked in. I told him that on Saturday morning I woke up feeling well and spent the day cleaning and fixing my friend’s computer and then felt drowsy. I then led down on the sofa whilst listening to eighties music and then after a series of childhood flashbacks suddenly felt a torrent of tears rising up through my body. I left the room clandestinely and (unfortunately) took a bottle of red wine with me. This is where my trouble started as by drinking the wine I became more and more morose. I also started crying profusely (partly I thought because I was listening to Billie Holiday) and because I was having memories of the past and my relationship now defunct. Drinking more wine, I then got the idea to call my ex and try and talk about my feelings but she was working and unable to respond. This activated (what my Doctor calls ‘schemas’) and this is where the trouble started! People like me have schemas which are kind of like patterns of behaviour which are nurtured during childhood as defense mechanisms. Schemas take me over and cause me to act irrationally and like a poor, scared, abandoned child. My behavior then becomes a mirror of childhood and I become desperate and seek comfort under the illusion I cannot look after myself. Although these schemas are not constantly activated and at most other times are I am rational, ordinary and reasonable man, they become as real as any other part of my life and cause me to hurt those (in this case my ex) because I feel unsupported and weak. At this stage, I was sending texts and leaving phone calls asking for help. After half a bottle of wine, I decided to go and try and sleep but after about half an hour my ex texted me saying she couldn’t help me but would ring me tomorrow. Now, for a person in my situation at this moment, this is the worst possible thing can happen because it causes other schemas to activate which ‘think’ they are trying to protect me. My protector schema is a monster with no reason or empathy whose job is to attack anything that threatens the lonely little boy suffering inside of me. This resulted in me sending a barrage of messages to my ex, each one getting more and more horrible! Then the guilt and alcohol kicked in so I tried to masquerade my emotions further by guess what drinking more. I finished the bottle of wine and then became extremely suicidal. Luckily by the time I had got to this stage of the evening, I was to drunk and exhausted (by all the arguments and tears!) and eventually fell asleep feeling incredibly low. By talking to the doctor and doing some imagery work I have now learnt how to deal with situations like this in future. First, I need to turn to people who are prepared to help me, friends and family etc.. Second, I should call the doctor who can help me to feel less alone when I’m feeling this way and talk me into a calmer more secure state. Third, I should have taken some Valium, as this helps to subdue the feelings I have and enable to get past these feelings without resorting to suicidal tendencies. Valium is a very addictive drug so I have to be careful not to abuse it but it’s also incredibly good as abating panic attacks and if taken in moderation is not a danger. Don’t get me wrong I’m not trying to recommend that anyone takes any kind of chemicals to get through difficulties but if used under medical supervision it is much less dangerous than drinking excessively or throwing oneself under the nearest train. A very low day for me but as long as I can learn from these experiences a day I hope to never repeat as long as I have the strength to battle on through therapy.
The therapist also warned me NOT to drink any alcohol as it damages my progress and also to keep a diary of all of the meals that I eat as he is also worried that I might be slipping into anorexia again. I assured him that I wasn’t but I’ve taken his advice and started a spreadsheet as I can never be too sure whether or not my brain is always telling me the truth. If the protector is running the show, anything is possible! The fight continues….
Monday 12 February 2007
Monday morning blues?
Well two days after feeling suicidal I feel more or less fine again! I actually managed to get up and have breakfast today, something I often can’t do and as an ex-anorexic I have to be careful to make sure I eat. Anorexia is a serious condition that I suffered for about a year. I couldn’t eat, and survived solely on alcohol and sleep deprivation. Anorexia is not as painful as depression itself as you’re so’ high’ all the time that you don’t feel anything except for tranquility and that the world can no longer hurt you. Of course this is an illusion but the reason the problem continues is because of these facts. I was lucky however because at this time I had the mental energy to finally see that I had a problem and I started to eat again. I’ll never forget the time I started. I went for a curry at my local favourite curryhouse and although I remember eating it very slowly and feeling kind of strange I managed to eat and find that high again that you get from doing so. Going through depression and panic attacks now, I am always weary of this condition returning and sometimes I know its close by like a baby demon hovering above my head, but I am determined to not go down that road again. Today I’m feeling pretty good. I have few if any negative thoughts, although I am very guilty about the way I treated my ex on Saturday when I was struggling, and I know I cannot be forgiven. My anxiety has subsided and tomorrow I am seeing my doctor. I have pretty much failed again this week so we will have to go through all my errors and ascertain their reasons and try and prevent them. This is easier said than done however, as these reactions are so ingrained and so instinctual that it is something akin to trying to not comfort a crying baby or not helping someone in distress. The instinct is prior to any decision making process and of course completely natural. Try not kissing your loved one for example or comforting your child when he is sick and you’ll have some idea of how strong instinct really is! This is what I have to fight and its not a fair battle!
Sunday 11 February 2007
The day after
Well as this is day one of my blog, I feel that I should do as promised and express my feelings the day after another close call with suicide. Today I had a conversation with my ex-girlfriend who I was hoping to see and talk to about everything that has happened between us and get some support from but she won’t do it yet! This is difficult for me because I really need support right now through these experiences. Intellectually I understand why she is hesitant but emotionally I really need someone to be there for me.
Just a shoulder to cry on and for someone who I can call when I’m suffering like last night! The problem with depression though, is that you treat people so badly that they often find themselves pulling away, which makes you push even harder and end up hurting even more. Because of this she can’t ’be there’ for me anymore and this is making it very difficult for me as although I understand why she left me, I don’t understand why she can’t help me through this extremely painful time. Still, I chatted with a friend on-line, who unfortunately lives in another country so I can’t get my hugs from her, and she has helped me to feel much better after last night! She has also advised me to speak to my flat mate when I’m suffering as she thinks he will be supportive, so advice number one for the struggling depressive is to not hide away your feelings (or yourself!) but to find someone you can trust and talk to them about how you feel. This I intend to do from now as although I can’t get help from my ex-girlfriend (she’s carrying too much pain!), at least I can get support from friends! I have a family by the way which I can also talk to but I don’t want to keep upsetting them with what I’m going through so advice number two, talk to many people in small chunks that way you won’t get on their nerves too much! Well, today has been a good day, although I did start it off in tears again but at least now I feel like I’ve made some progress and can’t imagine now that I could have ever felt suicidal. I know the feeling will return but until then I’m going to keep on fighting.
Just a shoulder to cry on and for someone who I can call when I’m suffering like last night! The problem with depression though, is that you treat people so badly that they often find themselves pulling away, which makes you push even harder and end up hurting even more. Because of this she can’t ’be there’ for me anymore and this is making it very difficult for me as although I understand why she left me, I don’t understand why she can’t help me through this extremely painful time. Still, I chatted with a friend on-line, who unfortunately lives in another country so I can’t get my hugs from her, and she has helped me to feel much better after last night! She has also advised me to speak to my flat mate when I’m suffering as she thinks he will be supportive, so advice number one for the struggling depressive is to not hide away your feelings (or yourself!) but to find someone you can trust and talk to them about how you feel. This I intend to do from now as although I can’t get help from my ex-girlfriend (she’s carrying too much pain!), at least I can get support from friends! I have a family by the way which I can also talk to but I don’t want to keep upsetting them with what I’m going through so advice number two, talk to many people in small chunks that way you won’t get on their nerves too much! Well, today has been a good day, although I did start it off in tears again but at least now I feel like I’ve made some progress and can’t imagine now that I could have ever felt suicidal. I know the feeling will return but until then I’m going to keep on fighting.
Imagery - imagine that!
Imagery work is designed to get me in touch with my inner child who is and has been living imprisoned inside of me for a long time and is suffering a great deal of pain. The theory is based on the idea that my therapist and me explore painful memories and re-live them in a more healthy way! At the moment a typical session involves a routine of going into a childhood memory and exploring it with the support of my therapist. This helps me to re-live the experiences and the emotions tied up with them and also to help my inner child to feel better and stronger about himself. The experience itself is a strange one in that you actually ‘become’ that child again and thus at times it’s very difficult for me to return to reality. Of course if the memory that we are visiting is a bad one then it’s hard for me to go through the experience but little by little the therapist helps to guide me and thus provide support when I need it.
Suicide is painless?
Suicide is a word that people don’t like to hear because they don’t understand it or like the idea that someone could dare not to feel able to cope in this world we have all worked so hard to create. Let me try and put a few things straight however.
Genuine suicidal thoughts are not about being pathetic or taking the easy way out! In my case they can creep up on me at any time although they are normally triggered by something that has happened. What needs to be understood is that they are in no way a choice thing. My body chemicals change and my mind is overwhelmed with feelings of worthlessness, and a compete lack of hope. This change is difficult to fight and although one day I can be stable and happy and be playing in a band or socializing without problems, another day I find myself looking at the world unable to see it as anything else but an empty, cold shell of a place without empathy or clarity. It would be wrong to say that I am depressed at this moment, it’s a stronger and a different sensation to that - at the time it feels like I’m actually seeing the world more clearly than usual, that I have been
fooling myself by being happy or finding meaning and that really it is a vacuous place.
Last night I suffered these feelings again so I will try and describe it.
I was in the living room getting on with life, cleaning, browsing the internet etc.. when I suddenly felt very tired. I tried to nod off for a while but whenever I did I felt anxious and restless, like something wasn’t quite right. Tears started to dwell in my eyes and I retired quickly to my room, taking some wine with me. It was at this point that I started to really cry and I drunk a little wine to try and calm myself and also I tried not to fight my feelings, but let the tears flow out. After sometime of crying and being unable to stop, I started to feel really low. I sent some messages to my ex-girlfriend hoping she would be able to support me somehow and tell me it would all be OK. She couldn’t reply (I’ve now found out!) because she was at work and had her phone switched off.. Frantically I started phoning and sending hoards of messages in desperation because I felt really weak and wasn’t sure what to do with myself. I drunk some more wine hoping to switch some of these strong feelings off, but found myself becoming lower and lower. I went to bed for awhile and found my thoughts focusing on life and death. I started thinking of ways to leave this world without (ironically!) harming myself too much. At this point I really wished I could have just walked into some sort of machine that would instantly switch me off permanently. Fortunately no such thing exists so I had to carry on suffering. I tried to force myself to fall asleep and stop having these thoughts, but it always came back too ‘how can I go?’, ‘what’s the best way out?’, ‘I can’t jump out of the building, I’m afraid of heights, there must be a better way!’, and so on. Following this my ex-girlfriend sent me a message saying she couldn’t come and help me because she had work the next day and was tired. This put me into a rage because when in this state there’s no possible way that I can balance suicidal thoughts with work needs! At this point I started frantically phoning and sending all sorts of desperate and often offensive messages because I really felt like I was going to leave this world and just needed someone to hold and hug me and remind me that these feelings were temporary! She couldn’t do this however so I kept on drinking to the point where suicide became too much like hard work and I eventually fell asleep in my clothes.
Genuine suicidal thoughts are not about being pathetic or taking the easy way out! In my case they can creep up on me at any time although they are normally triggered by something that has happened. What needs to be understood is that they are in no way a choice thing. My body chemicals change and my mind is overwhelmed with feelings of worthlessness, and a compete lack of hope. This change is difficult to fight and although one day I can be stable and happy and be playing in a band or socializing without problems, another day I find myself looking at the world unable to see it as anything else but an empty, cold shell of a place without empathy or clarity. It would be wrong to say that I am depressed at this moment, it’s a stronger and a different sensation to that - at the time it feels like I’m actually seeing the world more clearly than usual, that I have been
fooling myself by being happy or finding meaning and that really it is a vacuous place.
Last night I suffered these feelings again so I will try and describe it.
I was in the living room getting on with life, cleaning, browsing the internet etc.. when I suddenly felt very tired. I tried to nod off for a while but whenever I did I felt anxious and restless, like something wasn’t quite right. Tears started to dwell in my eyes and I retired quickly to my room, taking some wine with me. It was at this point that I started to really cry and I drunk a little wine to try and calm myself and also I tried not to fight my feelings, but let the tears flow out. After sometime of crying and being unable to stop, I started to feel really low. I sent some messages to my ex-girlfriend hoping she would be able to support me somehow and tell me it would all be OK. She couldn’t reply (I’ve now found out!) because she was at work and had her phone switched off.. Frantically I started phoning and sending hoards of messages in desperation because I felt really weak and wasn’t sure what to do with myself. I drunk some more wine hoping to switch some of these strong feelings off, but found myself becoming lower and lower. I went to bed for awhile and found my thoughts focusing on life and death. I started thinking of ways to leave this world without (ironically!) harming myself too much. At this point I really wished I could have just walked into some sort of machine that would instantly switch me off permanently. Fortunately no such thing exists so I had to carry on suffering. I tried to force myself to fall asleep and stop having these thoughts, but it always came back too ‘how can I go?’, ‘what’s the best way out?’, ‘I can’t jump out of the building, I’m afraid of heights, there must be a better way!’, and so on. Following this my ex-girlfriend sent me a message saying she couldn’t come and help me because she had work the next day and was tired. This put me into a rage because when in this state there’s no possible way that I can balance suicidal thoughts with work needs! At this point I started frantically phoning and sending all sorts of desperate and often offensive messages because I really felt like I was going to leave this world and just needed someone to hold and hug me and remind me that these feelings were temporary! She couldn’t do this however so I kept on drinking to the point where suicide became too much like hard work and I eventually fell asleep in my clothes.
History - How did I end up in therapy?
About 8 months ago, I suffered from a major panic attack
whilst at work and had to run home and lock myself in my room. A panic attack is one of the most frightening experiences a person can have. Basically, the world melts away, you start to sweat, feel dizzy and nauseous and feel like you're having a heart attack! The fact that you lose control of yourself like this means you panic even more and this prolongs and intensifies these sensations. My first attack lasted a good few hours and it took until the next day to feel vaguely 'normal' again. During the attack I felt a great deal of paranoia and heart racing and during other attacks I felt on the verge of insanity. Whilst on the verge of this insanity I often felt suicidal too and although my attacks are manageable now (within reason!), I still have suicidal thoughts on a regular basis. I am presently taking anti-depressants called Sertraline and occasionally valium to subdue my attacks. I will talk about these separately in other posts to elucidate their effects etc.
whilst at work and had to run home and lock myself in my room. A panic attack is one of the most frightening experiences a person can have. Basically, the world melts away, you start to sweat, feel dizzy and nauseous and feel like you're having a heart attack! The fact that you lose control of yourself like this means you panic even more and this prolongs and intensifies these sensations. My first attack lasted a good few hours and it took until the next day to feel vaguely 'normal' again. During the attack I felt a great deal of paranoia and heart racing and during other attacks I felt on the verge of insanity. Whilst on the verge of this insanity I often felt suicidal too and although my attacks are manageable now (within reason!), I still have suicidal thoughts on a regular basis. I am presently taking anti-depressants called Sertraline and occasionally valium to subdue my attacks. I will talk about these separately in other posts to elucidate their effects etc.
Introduction
I want to keep this blog simple. The purpose behind it. is to reveal the
truth about Psychotherapy, panic attacks, anti-depressants and document my experiences. I hope this will help the reader to understand this debilitating and real illness. Depression is not something that people need to 'snap out of',but a serious condition that is treatable through a lengthy period of analysis.I also want to reveal not only my experiences in therapy sessions,but how they affect me outside. Some of these are not pleasant butI hope they will be of interest and a source of understanding.
truth about Psychotherapy, panic attacks, anti-depressants and document my experiences. I hope this will help the reader to understand this debilitating and real illness. Depression is not something that people need to 'snap out of',but a serious condition that is treatable through a lengthy period of analysis.I also want to reveal not only my experiences in therapy sessions,but how they affect me outside. Some of these are not pleasant butI hope they will be of interest and a source of understanding.
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