Up or down?

Been off the booze for a few days and taken some Valium a couple of times which swings between making me feel amazing and able to sleep - to sick, like right now! I took it because I'm tired of feeling anxious, tired of that sick and nervous feeling in my belly.

It makes me also feel quite withdrawn and I really want to go and buy
 a bottle of whiskey but I'm not going to, I've promised myself that and I'm going to stick to that! Let's see how long this lasts!

As of late

Despite a few glitches with hitting the whiskey, am doing pretty well. I've suddenly made quite a few friends recently and my social life is looking up. I've got two good friends I can talk to about this stuff (in lengthy detail!) and some other friends I can hang out with and be 'normal' with!
Doctor is going well and I'm habitually consuming my meds. This weekend is a holiday (which I really need as I've been very busy lately!) and I have many things to look forward to so bring life on!

Minor glitch!

Today I had  a minor attack but dealt with it by basically ignoring it and letting it happen! I have no idea what caused it but didn't allow myself to get angry and now although I'm tired (panic attack hangover!), I feel fine and proud that I didn't let my affliction take over my life!

Sailing on calm waters

Well my meds have definitely kicked in and I have to admit that they do reduce anxiety. Having said that I had a minor attack last night but I didn't let it freak me out and it went quite quickly. I've also noticed that I'm more secure now and stopped spending long nights chatting to people about how down I am. It feels like a setback that I can't drink again and have to infect my body with chemicals but I guess it's for the best and I have to think of it as an illness and the meds as a part of the cure!

Spaced and confused

Went to the doc this morning and had a little chat and procured some meds. It's strange that I thought these things made me feel better as although my heart is no longer pounding in my chest, I feel spaced, lethargic and 'down'. I wasn't expecting this at all, maybe my expectations were too high (pun intended!), perhaps I was seeking a miracle cure to which there is none. I guess I have to give them time to kick in but I've only had half a tablet today and am now feeling quite sceptical as to their benefits. Still I'll see how I feel tomorrow. Maybe I shouldn't have gone back on them at all (the doctor didn't necessarily think I should, which surprised me!) and now I'm wondering if he was right. Well too late now I guess.

A sojourn

Finally I've managed to get hold of the doctor. It was good to hear his voice. Because of the nature and duration of my sessions, I have an emotional attachment to him, mainly because he often acts as a surrogate father. Have decided to pick up my meds tomorrow and resume sessions. At least though I've 'tested the water' and can now see how far I've come and how far I have to go!

Last night I managed to go out, despite some anxiety. It probably helped that I had spent a nice afternoon/early evening with a friend because this gave me the confidence to be outside again without any fears. For some reason panic attacks with me cause a little agoraphobia so forcing myself not to stay in and fester and face my fears was a good thing. In fact, it was a big step and I'm glad I took it. It helped that I was meeting my new friend, who is completely sympathetic and understanding of my plight, without her I wouldn't have done it.

So, things are looking up again, although resuming my sessions is not exactly fun and I'm not looking forward to the inevitable nausea I'll get when I start my meds again.

Let's try one more time..

My last entry was not beneficial at all! I was angry because although I've been enjoying the last few days, I still have these ridiculous attacks. In fact the last few days have been kinda surreal in that I've been hanging our more with my new friend who is being really supportive (I'm taking way more than I'm giving!) and feeling content and warm inside again. She also knows that you have to stand up to someone like me and not let me drink and I think she knows that when I'm being horrible, it's not because I'm bad, evil, or scarred inside - BUT it's a defence mechanism because I'm so much more vulnerable inside. Suffice to say, its fab to have someone like this (finally!) and I hope despite my inevitable attempts to push her away ( I guarantee I will BTW) she will help me find my real, sweet self and keep the monster at bay.

She also posits the idea that people like us are not 'freaks' but more like people
with special powers. I like this approach, it's a more positive way of thinking about ourselves than as social misfits, freaks or plain loopy! The power then has to be guided, channelled and fine-tuned so that when it's focussed it is positively directed. For example in my case, maybe I channel it into music. For other people it will be different of course. 
Anyways, I guess the proof will be in the pudding and in my case, perhaps NOT in the liquor!

Breaking down

A friend came round for dinner and guess what folks? I had a panic attack. Why? How the fuck should I know? - It's no longer 'interesting, a minor condition to work through or a personal journey', it's a FUCKING PAIN IN THE ARSE AND I'M SICK, SICK, SICK of it! FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF.

Black night, white light

Last night was the final straw. I got home at 9pm and hit the whiskey. Then decided to go out for a drink with some friends. Had only eaten a piece of toast all day and so you can imagine the consequences. I drunk a couple of beers and then switched to gin despite the protests of my friend.
Now although nothing particularly bad happened as I meandered down this well-trodden path, one thing hit me about my behaviour. Walking a long journey home, drunk and unable to walk straight, alone in a large city at 3am is NOT looking after oneself! In fact it's the opposite. I also pissed off one of my friends and
became very low. When I got home I took a valium to make me sleep and have woken up today feeling dirty and ridiculous.

My boss phoned me this morning and I realised after the conversation that I hadn't sounded 'right'. 'Right', in the sense that I was lethargic, grumpy and didn't want to do anything except avoid the outside world. I phoned him back and told him that I'm going back on meds and into therapy and called my doctor. I'm awaiting his reply as this is now the third time I've disappeared off his radar so I hope he hasn't given up on me as most other people do, sooner or
later. This isn't their fault however, I'm just an expert at pushing and pushing until they do!

So I've decided no more alcohol, much more chocolate and a healthy dose of sertraline ASAP is the way forward. I also have some personal projects I want to pursue to channel my anxiety energy in a much more positive way!

Uncomfortably numb!

I'm getting so much 'lower' now that have to fight just to write this stuff. Although my friend came round last night and was supportive, I know I'm slipping back
into the abyss, the void, the dark side of reality. I bought a bottle of whiskey on the way home and
although my 'healthier' voice was protesting against it and although I know right now it's a bad
idea, I don't have the energy to fight. The idea is unappealing ( to be honest) but drinking is less unappealing than being 'me' right now with all the technicolour reality that this entails. It's not
a choice between 'good and bad' but bad and too numb to care that I feel bad. I've said it
before and I'll say it again, I'm so sick of this. It's boring now, it's so boring and pathetic, like
movie trilogies that don't know when to stop miking the cash cow or re-runs of the last series of
'friends'. Whatever... I don't even have the desire to think of symalies right now so I'll just go and
keep descending downwards until I reach a state of non-awareness of who or where or why I am..

Let there be night

Been having problems sleeping this week and felt like a zombie all day again. A friend, who also has panic attacks has offered to come over and stay with me as she thinks this will help. I tend to agree and feel lucky that I have someone to do this for me. All I want right now is some sleep and to wake up tomorrow feeling normal and to be able to enjoy my day. I've noticed I'm not eating so well recently too so will have to keep an eye on that! Also, my shoulder hurts because I've been putting all my tension there for weeks now and 
although I'm aware I'm doing it, I can't seem to stop tensing it. It drives me crazy, I drive me crazy, Christ knows what my friends think!
Goodnight, I hope!

If Music be the food of love?

Oh My GOD! I keep getting amazing, emotional shivers down my spine when I'm listening to music. I guess this is a good thing, it certainly gives me faith that my soul is still functioning
as it SHOULD be. Perhaps music is my saviour. Maybe it is the key to the locked soul that
has been weeping and dying inside. I see is as a sign that I'm still here somewhere, scrabbling
in the dark and screaming out for 'life' itself to reveal itself to me in all its splendid wonder!
Play it again Sam (whoever or whatever you are!)

Never underestimate the power of the darkside...

Well despite my optimism that 'all is well' I'm not sure that it is if I'm honest with myself. Starting to get angry again at virtually everything and when I drink I can feel the dark side creeping back into my life. I'm determined to see if I can have my liberty back though and avoid prozac and spending all my money on a doctor. Perhaps this is futile and silly OR maybe it's what I need to do? Right now I can't really say though.

Night of the living dead

So it's time for another attack. Sweaty hands, heart beat 170BPM (for drum 'n' bass fans!) and downing some chamomile tea. Just when I thought I was out of the woods, the paths twist back round into the darkness and fear of the forest. I'm so sick of this, I really am. I want my freedom, I want my body and soul to be my mine and under my control. My hands are glowing inside and although I'm quite an expert at all of this now, I still feel like I have no options but to ride this out yet again.

Hopefully I can sleep off this one. I'm trying to find the 'trigger' for this but can't. Perhaps it's because last night I actually had fun, a few drinks and felt like a human being again. I should be so lucky... lucky, lucky, lucky! (thanks Kyile!)

Ad Libitum

Excuse the latin title but it seemed fitting with this particular entry! Have now returned to my homeland and a lot of things have changed recently. I have started drinking (but not abusing) alcohol recently and really enjoying the sense of freedom it gives me. i.e. It helps me to relax and is a sign that I'm more socially active again; something I NEED right now that's for sure! Also I have weened myself off my meds (finally!) and although I didn't do it with the doctor's blessing, I feel good about this because it happened naturally and I'm coping well with it. However, it's not all plain sailing as I still suffer from the physical sensations of anxiety but I'm determined now to use my newly found skills and deal with it without making it a drama and a disability. I say 'disability' because in the past it has severely restricted my actions and choices in life and now I feel is the time to not let it continue its strong hold on me. Right now for example, I'm feeling a little anxious but I'm not going to take anything and I'm not going to fight it. Perhaps if I admit to myself that it's a part of me as much my arms and legs are it will be something that doesn't restrict my liberty anymore.

I also want to show some particularly insightful writing that came out when I was feeling 'down', so as much as I'd like to end on a lighter note, I think it's important for anyone reading who is going through similar things to me to realise that other people also have some pretty 'dark' thoughts in their mind. I wrote this on the plane without editing or thinking so excuse the scattery, grammatically questionable nature of my diatribe!

"I'm on my way back from 'X' and not had any prozac for 2 days. Can't decide if this is a good or bad thing right now. I'm not freaking out at least but definitely feel a little scared that I might.

-One thing I'm trying to do is 'feel' everything that I can. This might sound strange but it's something I've got to do because I've previously programmed myself not to do it because by NOT feeling and having emotional attachments I can't get hurt!

Not sure if my life in 'Y' is still the right thing or not?!
I've also realised that I still have this smaller yet prevalent, devilish little voice in my head that 'pops up' from time to time. 5 minutes ago, I seriously imagined -and only imagined!--what it would be like to jump out of the plane. The strange thing about this is it's NOT a depressing thought, idea, concept, whatever..BUT more like a 'why not consider the idea?'. Perhaps this demonstrates a longing for freedom, absolute freedom, the kind I can't get from this world, so restricted by social norms, behaviour, programming and even the laws of physics that mean I have to comply with the limitations of the physical world.

I've chosen not to make a once in a lifetime leap through the (right now) inviting sky with its promise of an absolutely mind-blowing journey of new and obviously short lived experiences. Is this depression speaking?, good sense?; it's like sometimes I don't get why people don't or can't see this? This world of hypocrisy, propaganda, lies, media and warfare.

But even removal of all human suffering wouldn't make everything OK for me. So, what would? Is there anything that would or will I never be free, enslaved by this incorrect perspective and subjective interpretation of how things are?
- Perhaps I need my meds after all, at least they'll silence this and provide
a more comfortable prison for me to inhabit!

Depressives have a GOOD life, good things happen to them, nice feelings are experienced by them so what makes other people different from me? Who is the better and more honest person? Am I getting reality wrong or are you? Am I the fool or the sage? Do I want to destroy these thoughts because they are just WRONG or are they so fundamental to me that to do so would be to remove my essence? (whatever that might mean!)

In X, I was thinking about change. Should I make this my last year, last few months even, move to another place, study again, become an A,B or C???? Once my ex-girlfriend told me that people didn't feel any different to me and although I know this to be true - intellectually, (with help from the meds no doubt!) I'm not sure if I believe it or even whether I should!

One thing I do know is how lonely I feel and how much I didn't feel so at home with my family. Maybe the problem has now become the solution?  I've been craving alcohol in the last few days, in fact RIGHT NOW!
When I re-started drinking I had no ill-effects or negative feelings for that matter but if I could there is a part of  me that would love to live in a permanently drunk state.Not violently but 'with the edge taken off of life' and the lines smoothed
out....

I guess I need my meds again, and so the cycle continues to revolve back around again and again and again.

Question. If prozac and the doctor works, why do I not express these feelings? It's only when I'm 'dry' that this stuff comes out. I guess the doctor would say they are stabilising but do I really want this stability, really?
Do I prefer to be like this - this newly created comfort being, that the doctor has created?"

To free or not to free!

I've been thinking that the problem with this condition for me is FREEDOM. Once you have suffered an attack you will never be the same again. Forever you are burdened with the thought in your mind that when you are not having an attack it's just bonus time. Basically I feel like I've lost a lot of my liberty. Can I drink alcohol? Does caffeine in coffee affect me? Is stress in my life a cause? Should I move to another country? Is the city a part of the problem? Was my upbringing part of the problem or not? and so on and so forth ad nauseaum......BLAH I'm so tired of this....

Blood, sugar, magic!

Have been away from home for almost 4 weeks now and this obviously includes the doctor. Have managed to reduce my sertraline dose to half of what is was before and up until yesterday have been fine. At the moment I'm in another country, not at home visiting good friends of mine and having fun, travelling lots and even drinking again without any adverse problems. Last night though I realised that I had been carrying around some increasing anxiety and today I'm feeling worse. This makes me feel quite angry because up until recently I have been so proud of myself and remember saying that I had thought I was "cured".

At the moment I'm desperately trying to understand the cause of my attack. It could be that my anxiety is caused by the stress of returning to reality and to work. It could be that my life is not what it should be and that a return to this is hitting me square in the face but whatever it is one thing has occurred to me that might help fellow sufferers; Blood-sugar levels. One pattern that I can find in the last two days is that I haven't been eating breakfast before leaving the house. I have just done some research on the net and it seems that other people have mentioned that not eating is related to anxiety. So from now I'm going to be very careful about this.

Anyway, I have just eaten and feel better but although this is the case I'm still suffering. Right now I can't concentrate at all, writing this feels akin to climbing a mountain on stilts. My hands feel like they are not mine and my feet feel hot and strange. Also I feel incredibly drained and otherwordly. I wish I had some valium but I don't so I'm gonna have to ride this out. Although I'm OK with doing this I must admit I've been on nicer journeys and if I could I'd love to get out of the car and feel inner peace again...

Long time, no speak!

It's been a long, long time since I've written anything and as it's Friday night and as I'm here in body and spirit I thought it was about time I electronically penned out my thoughts and experiences over the last few months.

Well, where to start? First, I've noticed recently that I'm finally starting to have my natural emotions again, which if you've never experienced a loss of feelings, is quite incredible. Basically, whilst I was under the mask of anxiety, one of my mind's tricks (defensive mechanisms really!) was to block out the world and the inevitable emotions that goes with it. The reason for this is to protect myself. Logically speaking (and remember the Omnipotent protector only has this faculty), it's a simple equation. If you don't have emotional connections to things / people then you cannot get hurt. Of course the downside to this is that you can't experience pleasure either. So now, because I am getting stronger, I am more able to 'feel' again and unfortunately I can't express within the limitations of language this manifestation, suffice to say it's an epiphinal feeling.

Second, my regresssion/imagery work is becoming much more effective. This is because the protector/avoider side of me has become weakened and has started to stop fighting the process. Of course, depending on the day and the events in my life this can swing up and down. Generally though the protector is not only weaker but also has been befriended. This means we (i.e. The doc and me) have started to negotiate and work with him (it?) and use his strength for more positive gains. We still have a fair journey to travel but little by little we are making progress and the sessions are also more productive. One of the most significant ones recently was extremely positive and moving for me, as I confronted the lonely part of myself and found myself hugging him and feeling so much love, (and tears), much like I imagine a mother and her child would exchange when feeling safe. I'm not entirely sure but I think this was the protector being less ruthless and more 'healthy' towards him.

Third, I have met somebody recently that also suffers from anxiety disorder (unfortunately for much longer and more regularly than myself) and this has added to my positivity because I finally feel like I have someone I can talk to who understands. We have also agreed 'to be there for each other 24/7' just in case and already I feel like something special is occurring. One thing I have to be careful of is to not become her counsellor or therapist as I'm obviously not qualified and I am still going through my own process. I can't help but feel extreme empathy for her though, so I have to keep check of myself and know where to draw certain lines. She doesn't take medication for her attacks and like me doesn't drink but unlike me lives with her attacks as a normal part of life. I guess I'd like to talk to her and let her read this blog as it may help her to consider the pros of therapy. However, I'm determined to not be judgemental but supportive when she needs me. The last thing a sufferer needs is anything less than empathy, understanding and to feel alone!

Fourth, my doctor and I discussed 'weening' me off medication and although initially I was the genesis for this idea - now it is soon to become a reality,I'm suddenly very scared. I really don't want to give up my crutch and my friend sertraline without a fight. I know it's for my own good but I can't imagine living without it. This could be a fight to come!

Finally, I'm going home to visit my family soon so I may have a few tests coming my way. Let's see how I handle the family environment again. I fear it will be anxiety provoking but am determined to put all of the skills I have learnt in the last year to the test and come out the other end smiling or at least not crying!

Are you lonesome tonight?

Been doing pretty well as of late. No major problems and I´ve even had a break from the doctor due to Easter holidays. This is a good test for me as it means I have to look after myself and find my own inner-strength. Next weekend I´m moving house too, to live with new people (whom Í don´t know yet!) and although this is causing some minor anxiety, again it´s a good test for me!

Tonight though I feel extrememly lonely. I helped one of my best friends move out today and it´s really hit my how much everything has and is continuing to change! I think it´s finally hit me that my old life has gone and I have to start a new one, which although is for the best, it still affects me emotionally and psychologically. Let´s hope I can pass these tests with flying colours as I´m doing so well now that a step back would really not help my new more optimistic outlook that life IS worth living and that ¡t´s something I want to embrace!

Night of the living dead!

Last night was horrible! Went to bed around 2am and my heart was beating like a fucked clock! Spent hours tossing and turning and although I thought my anxiety attack had subsided I couldn´t sleep because I felt tired yet my body was racing like an athlete seeking a gold medal. My heart was also pounding away which kept me awake and meant that my body temperature was higher than usual so I felt discomfort and unable to nod off. This reinforces my belief that Psychological illness and physical illness go hand in hand and can´t be seperated. Still, although I get anxiety attacks from time to time, it´s much better than "full on panic attacks" and the frequency is much lower now. Am going to the doctor tomorrow so I can try and find the cause of this as although I had some coffee yesterday, I don´t think it was an excessive amount and maybe all of this was caused by me forgetting my pills!

Today I´m great though, almost feel too good. Perhaps this is another part of the process although I am yet to understand it!

Sweet dreams!

NB For those who are interested I have a put a new link to Schema Therapy under "Sites of relevance"

I´m having an attack!

Joy of joys, I´m having an attack! It´s easy to pretend it´s not happening but I can tell because music sounds weird, I feel sick, my hands are tingling and leaving my room is an effort. It´s kinda like being ´high´ but NOT in a good way. When I stand up I feel dizzy and walking is an incredible effort as I feel like I`m struggling with ´something´ else for control of my body. My hands don´t feel like they´re my own and I feel like I´m looking through my ´third eye´! Also the light around me seems somehow different but I cannot explain how so. It´s also a bit like suddenly perceiving the world from underwater, if you can imagine how that would distort light and sound; in fact all perceptions would be slighty altered but not a million miles away from reality but yet not exactly right either! I think this is the real me, right now but I can´t be sure. Maybe that´s why reality seems the same but different because the ´real me´ is looking out for a change whereas normally reality is flitered by the protector, avoider or angry side of me! (all of these are different schemas but ultimately they are all symptoms of the same problem, I´m depressed and lonely and the schemas create illionary realities to ensure my survival BUT not my happiness. They are without emotions, simply logical).

A glimpse at my past!

Found this hidden away in the depths of my hard drive. It´s almost 6 months old and I remember being very drunk when I wrote it but for the purposes of glimpsing into my mind I haven´t corrected the grammar!


Wednesday 25th October 06

Fuck I do wanna be better! I do. I can’t believe I thought about an overdose of Tamazapan but I couldn’t get the internet to work to find out how much to take! I can’t be hungover I care about my job and I feel like I’m helping people and wanna live IF I can be cured. What if my girlfriend can come on Friday and tell the quack wot happened tonight. I know I can’t be honest but she can and I know I’ll have no memory. My brain is too clever. My perception is wrong. It has been for a long time it can’t be trusted anymore even I don’t have control over it. I should show this to the quack. How can I have this thing inside of me, as soon as it goes I feel kinda ok again. Why don’t I care about my punctuation either? Who is speaking right now? Am I really Jekyl and Hyde? If so what does that mean? I’m scared of the protector and I can’t stop him, he’s making me not eat and take tablets and drink and attack my girlfriend or is this him now trying to charm his way back in? Is it him that’s angry because he’s losing control or the real me who can’t understand or remember or believe this evening, I already can’t remember -and everything else going on in my life right now. Alcohol does help me open up, maybe the doctor needs to use it with me?! It makes me feel safe again and more open. I know I’m not an alcoholic but it does seem to open me up, without it I know I wouldn’t have written this. My girlfriend keeps saying that it’s all me but whether that’s the case or not I am unable to believe it, my brain literally filters by it’s own volition. I’ve just jumped from seriously considering an overdose to feeling kinda OK. That’s not right; could it be a bi-polar disorder? How can I say I’m never both voices (people - who knows?) at the same time, and each has no MEMORY of the other! I’m hungry but I can’t eat and I’m gonna drink more but I don’t know why! Maybe I’ll sleep better that way and not have an argument when my girlfriend returns. Also I’ll be too tired tomorrow to care about anything which seems appealing right now! Poor girlfriend I’m sure that my perception of her is wrong but I can’t see any other truths. I can’t even see myself for fuck’s sake. I hope I’m not seriously mad, sometimes I wonder. If I have two disparate people inside of me that’s not right! Or maybe I can’t be mad if I’m asking myself the question. Although I am asking myself the question which is like talking to myself, who the fuck knows? Can’t believe I’m spellchecking this now! Also where has my anger gone, I was in a rage b4 and now I’m totally calm, this doesn’t make sense! I feel empathetic, warm, and open, I don’t get this at all! I wish I wasn’t and didn’t hurt the people I love but I cannot stop and don’t know how to. I also know I will continue to, including myself so maybe that’s why od’ing seemed a good idea? Anyway why don’t these tampazapan and anti-depressants work anymore? I‘ve been here before without them and now I’m repeating a pattern with them! I’m hungry but can’t eat. I’m tired but can’t sleep. I’m bored but want to sit here forever, alone….safe….i feel dizzy sometimes and sometimes nearly fall. I remember falling in the shower over a year ago but thought it was the water, maybe it wasn’t. It’s like my body just refuses to be bothered anymore, like even it can’t stand all this! God I’m crazy. (but not in a good way anymore!) Why won’t anybody look after me? My girlfriend thinks people only help you if you help yourself, that’s a fucking tautology if you ask me! Now I feel angry at her again, she’s so cold and analytical, all I need is a little support and encouragement, then I will look after myself. Fuck the protector is back, bastard, I can’t control this, I love her but now he’s ,making me think really bad things, maybe this is wot the quack need to know. Whenever I think of someone I love he kicks in and causes anger. I feel guilty for hurting the ones and the one I love but as soon as she walks in, the protector will be back and we’ll argue. Its like my brain switches and I can feel the chemical changes in my body but they feel so natural and intuitive that I can’t stop them! Just like I can’t stop drinking right now!
I told my work colleagues about my father’s leukemia today I never tell my them anything about my life that’s NOT positive. And these are students I’m not that close to, although maybe X I see as a father figure as he wants to buy me lunch and practice his English and he loves philosophy and of course so do I. although I do think that philosophy has fucked me up a bit. I can’t write a sentence that’s not inconsistent. That’s how my brain works. I love somebody and then when I see them I show the opposite emotions. I argue and debate analytically but life for me is about emotions. I hate logic and analysis it destroys feelings, intuition and the magic of life. Life is more than the physical world of matter and quarks that scientists talk about. Much more. I feel drained and I know the protector is trying to stop me typing but I won’t let him have control anymore. Although tomorrow when I wake up he’ll be back. He always is! He’s the teacher and how I survive - how can I destroy him? Need to keep tonight’s text messages, think they will be important. They show how fucked up and inconsistent my thoughts and feelings are. It’s like I only live in a little moments without narrative or consistency. My mind would make a terrible novel. Have to show my girlfriend this, can’t let the protector make excuses this time. Gotta beat this evil. I’ll let him smoke and drink a bit that’ll work, give him some leeway. This is crazy talking about two people inside of me. Probably all part of his cunning game! Keep me confused and my guard can’t keep him at bay! Hope I don’t go completely mad, if I had overdosed then I would have been committed (if I had survived) Was imagining waking up surrounded by people who love me and saying to them, what bastards they are for not letting me go. I hate the fact that people save people’s lives if they chose to go. It’s their decision not to go on, other people who live in this `shit hole of a world. Who are they to bring back someone who sees the truth and hypocrisy we live in. The depressed are the ones who see how fucked up the world. Its, the rest live in an illusion. Feel dizzy and sick and should sleep but gonna drink more, smoke and wallow and wait for my girlfriend, should eat and sleep but can’t! At least I’m expert at this now. This state of mind is quite pleasant and safe. Time drifts away…….

Anger, I’ve got it. As soon as I express it I’m ok again! I need to get it out somehow without hurting others but how? I can’t hurt myself anymore or others so I need a fucking outlet! The booze mellows me (usually) so that’s why I drink it and so did the anorexia! (Or releases the anger on some poor unsuspecting fool!)

It seems so obvious now. OK need to take this document on Friday. My girlfriend activates my schemas; that’s why I’m so pissed with her moving away, without her I remain in this horrible cycle. That’s why I thought she was the one; she is the key to my getting better. It’s a lot to ask though!

Mind altering day!

Not such a good day today! Forgot to take my anti-depressants and had to come home at lunch time to get them. This made me feel anxious and out of control but after I took a tablet I didn´t feel too good and have been especially jittery this evening! Feel quite nauseaus right now and felt distant, angry and panicky on the way home. Am so sick of this (pardon the pun!), I can´t drink alcohol, can´t control by own body and mind and without my medicine feel horrible and spaced out. Was feeling pretty good until day but now I´ve experienced life without medication, I realise that this ´normality´ I feel is an illusion. Am now dreading coming off anti-depressants and fear what the experience will be like. Would be quite happy to never stop taking them but I know that whilst ingesting them the world is slightly illusionary and it isn´t exactly the way I perceive or feel it right now. I guess being positive, I´ve taken two steps forward and one step back today. Tomorrow I´ll try and take another two!

Am moving house soon which I´m hoping will help me to move on in life but am dreading feeling even more lonely than I do right now. The problem with this kind of loneliness is that it´s not cured by being around other people. I have plenty of friends and usually have an active social life but when you´re like me it doesn´t change that lonely gaping void inside, it just helps you to forget for a while. Ever been surrounded by peeps and yet feel totally alone? That´s how I feel deep inside and I have no idea how to fill that void!

Weekend ups and downs!

Had a good weekend but last night was pretty anxious and had feelings of nausea, tingling fingers and exhaustion as I received a 'stroppy' email from my sister. Basically I was supposed to and have been trying to arrange a trip to Prague for my father's birthday but due to complicated life situations decided that I couldn't. My sister initially said she would understand but she obviously didn't once I had decided and her email reply then sent adrenaline through my body. I phoned my Mum because she is a good, balanced person to talk to and because despite my initial feelings of anger and wanting to defend myself against my sister's allegations, I knew it would be an unproductive and destructive thing to do.I spoke to my Mum and explained that although it's true I'm getting better and that I've been telling her positive things, I'm still only half way to really being better again. At the moment I'm still very delicate and I'm taking small steps in getting better but I'm scared that at any moment I might 'fall' back into depression, extreme anxiety and drinking.

Speaking to my Mum really helped to get it off my chest and find some kind of pyschological resolve but it didn't alleviate my anxiety completely and I spent the night cooped up in my room, feeling the physical sensations of anxiety that I have already explained.

Today was a better day, no anxiety and I went on a trip to the beach with a friend and had a good time and some fresh air and sunshine. It seems that when I'm in my own little world, everything is fine but when I'm attacked or criticised or questioned about my motives, I still can't handle it and my psychology breaks down.
Going to have to continue on fighting and climbing this steep mountain to happiness!
Wish me luck!

Doctor or guru?

Am still poorly so feeling a little 'down'but nothing Psychologically rated! Because I was wiped today and have had few problems this week I decided to ask my Doctor to teach me some meditation. Surprisingly (to me at least!) he thought it was a very good idea and has had some experience himself. So, we did a half hour training session and he taught me how to relax certain muscles in my body individually and how to breathe properly and I must admit I felt great afterwards. The doc commented that this is a good idea for me as it helps to teach my brain to control my body (and thus not the other way around as happens with my panic attacks!) and I also like the idea that I'm controlling myself, something my kind of personality needs. All in all a good day (and week really!) and little by little I'm feeling like my old self!

Don´t bug me!

Feeling poorly today with a touch of flu so nothing to report psychologically speaking! It´s strange how when I´m physically unwell my mental state seems to be put on hold, I wonder if there´s anything in that? Well the good news is I have no anxiety today, possibly because things are looking up or at worse it´s because my body is too tired to get into an anxious state. I´m guessing it´s the former but must remember to not try and run before I can walk and take each day one day at a time!

Tell me why, I don't like Mondays!

Well it's been a while but this morning one of my schemas was 'activated' and that has caused me to become angry and some anxiety kicked in! Basically I seem to have a problem with loud or sudden noises, often my flatmate makes me jump (he's very light-footed!) but that's not the problem. The big problem however is that noises that I cannot control such as grinding from tool machinery or hammering or loud motorbikes often set me off and that's what happened just now! This morning I didn't feel too good and decided to go into work late as I've had a cold for a couple of days and in the interest of looking after myself I decided that I needed to rest more than usual. I made the obligatory phone call to advise of my situation and went back to bed feeling that I'd benefit from a little sleep and be able to work the rest of my day better. Just as I was nodding off, the grinding sound of tool machinery started to flank my ears and that set me off into a miniture rage and I started cursing and swearing at the world for making my life unbearable. Now I'm feel calmer but I can still feel some frustration seeping through my veins and I also feel guilty for getting annoyed with something I know is not unreasonable or directed at me! What a start to the week! I have to remind myself that this is only a setback and is doesn't reverse all the great work I've done so far!

The camera never lies!

Had a hectic weekend so haven't been home to write my diary but here goes! Friday was a difficult day for me because as I think I mentioned in my last entry, I was being filmed for television and I have no experience with this whatsoever! The filming went well in the end and is being shown on the local news (I'm yet to see it!) but beforehand my anxiety was obviously tested somewhat! During the filming my anxiety subsided a fair amount and although I took my trusty supply of valium with me, I didn't take it. I had decided beforehand that I'd use this an opportunity to test my strength and by taking valium I would have felt like I had given up a bit! So now I'm quite proud of myself. After the filming I had an appointment with my doctor and he asked me how it had all gone and I explained that although I had some anxiety he agreed that I had dealt with it very well and that my anxiety in this case was a case of 'healthy' anxiety in contrast to unhealthy anxiety that strikes based on a false sense of reality. I learnt therefore that anxiety when triggered correctly is a natural part of our defense mechanisms and shouldn't always be considered a bad thing, in fact it's a very powerful survival mechanism when it is activated correctly.

Eating wise, I'm also doing very well, am keeping a diary and also eating not only much more but more healthily. This is a positive sign that I'm starting to look after myself better and like myself. When you are suffering or depressed of course the opposite happens, it's almost like you're willing and causing a slow but inevitable death! Now however, I can't imagine living like that, now I feel like I'm beginning and have been given a new life and want to grab it by the horns.

Another test that I passed was on Friday when I went to a nightclub for THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE SOBER! On the journey there I was envisaging one of two scenarios. One, I'd lapse back into drinking or two I'd be shy and as bored as hell. None of these scenarios turned up however, (perhaps because I was with another tee-totaller) and I found myself dancing like I used to when completely off my face and not only having a good time but a better time than I used to fool myself that I was having when intoxicated!

Other than all of this, I have had a stress and anxiety free weekend, felt positive and human (believe me at times I've forgotten what this means!), and as I past test after test I'm starting to discover more and more the beauty that exists in this world when the dark shadow of depression is penetrated by the sober light of day!

The camera never lies!

Had a hectic weekend so haven't been home to write my diary but here goes! Friday was a difficult day for me because as I think I mentioned in my last entry, I was being filmed for television and I have no experience with this whatsoever! The filming went well in the end and is being shown on the local news (I'm yet to see it!) but beforehand my anxiety was obviously tested somewhat! During the filming my anxiety subsided a fair amount and although I took my trusty supply of valium with me, I didn't take it. I had decided beforehand that I'd use this an opportunity to test my strength and by taking valium I would have felt like I had given up a bit! So now I'm quite proud of myself. After the filming I had an appointment with my doctor and he asked me how it had all gone and I explained that although I had some anxiety he agreed that I had dealt with it very well and that my anxiety in this case was a case of 'healthy' anxiety in contrast to unhealthy anxiety that strikes based on a false sense of reality. I learnt therefore that anxiety when triggered correctly is a natural part of our defense mechanisms and shouldn't always be considered a bad thing, in fact it's a very powerful survival mechanism when it is activated correctly.

Eating wise, I'm also doing very well, am keeping a diary and also eating not only much more but more healthily. This is a positive sign that I'm starting to look after myself better and like myself. When you are suffering or depressed of course the opposite happens, it's almost like you're willing and causing a slow but inevitable death! Now however, I can't imagine living like that, now I feel like I\m beginning and have been given a new life and want to grab it by the horns.

Another test that I passed was on Friday when I went to a nightclub for THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE SOBER! On the journey there I was envisaging one of two scenarios. One, I'd lapse back into drinking or two I'd be shy and as bored as hell. None of these scenarios turned up however, (perhaps because I was with another tee-totaller) and I found myself dancing like I used to when completely off my face and not only having a good time but a better time than I used to fool myself that I was having when intoxicated!

Other than all of this, I have had a stress and anxiety free weekend, felt positive and human (believe me at times I've forgotten what this means!), and as I past test after test I'm starting to discover more and more the beauty that exists in this world when the dark shadow of depression is penetrated by the sober light of day!

Calm before the storm?

Didn't write yesterday as had a busy day and to be honest not much to report. Had to cancel my doctor's appointment due to work commitments but that hasn't been a problem thus far! Had a touch of anxiety today but now I have some anxiety management training I dealt with it very well. My band is also looking up again and I'm not struggling so much all round! Let's hope this is a sign of things to come!

Anxiety down, life up!

Had a good weekend finally! Went out for drinks (non-alcoholic!), little anxiety and no attacks. I guess I'm finally getting stronger at last. Have found that not drinking coffee also helps heaps so I can really recommend it if you're a sufferer of anxiety. Found a great and moving video of someone having a panic attacks on YouTube so if you're interested check out : this video, it almost made me cry!

Told my sister about my difficulties and she was very supportive, although she doesn't understand completely what I'm going through. This is one of the most diifcult things about this whole thing, is deciding who to tell, who not to and how much to reveal. I think though that the more people you tell and therefore the less you hide your feelings, the beter you feel. Of course you have to get a balance and not solely talk about it as it can get people down a little and the last thing you need is to push away your friends or drive them crazy!

Still, going through an 'up' phase right now so fingers crossed I'm heading towardds the light at the end of the tunnel and have stopped hanging out with the devil and the darkness that surrounds him!

....and relax!

Things looking up at last! Went to the doctor yesterday and made some progress with coping with pre-work anxiety. It turned out that my anxiety was based on a completely irrational way of thinking about reality! So to deal with this first we rationally discussed the reasons for my anxiety i.e. I might make a mistake, I might lose my job and my life etc… then once my conscious mind had a chance to realize that I was being irrational we then did some imagery work to deal with the emotional roots of this irrational thinking!
It seems that pre-work anxiety comes from anxiety that built up when I was around 13 years old because of a lot of bullying from my father. To deal with this we therefore explored some times when my father bullied me and the doctor helped me to stand up to him. The point of this is to strengthen ‘lonely mark’ so that as an adult I no longer have these feelings of irrational anxiety. Anxiety is in fact a very healthy thing to have but only when it’s based on a true or realistic appraisal of reality NOT an irrational and false one!

Other than this yesterday was a good day! I received some long overdue monies for a job that I did which relieves some financial stress and my band is looking up again as our singer has decided to not leave the country. Also since cutting out alcohol and caffeine in my life, my anxiety has dropped considerably and I’ve been able (so far!) to socialize again at night without problems. Also, believe or not I’m going to be on a TV program because there is a station that wants to make a documentary about the work I do! Hurrah for me, for now! The only downside of course will be that my anxiety levels will definitely go up! I´ll keep you posted!

Consulting some oracles

Wokeup today, feeling fine (to quote a famous song!). Feel like I'm getting a bit of a grip on my anxiety now (even if it's a slippery one!). Decided to think of some positives to remind myself that life is definitely worth living. First, I pretty much don't have panic attacks anymore and second I don't suffer from any agoraphobia now. Third, I have given up alcohol which means by body is more healthy, along with my wallet and my memory is much better than before. Also, I don't have to suffer hangovers anymore and waste my weekends in bed. Forth, I have dealt with some painful memories from childhood which I have been carrying for a long time so this makes me feel 'lighter' because I think these weigh you down Psychologically. Finally, I'm learning a great deal about the human body and mind and also about Psychological processes. I also feel that I'm beginning to understand myself better and intellectually I'm fascinated by the workings of the conscious and unconscious. Now, don't get me wrong I'm claiming that this is an experience anyone should go through but the fact that I am doesn't mean it has to be completely negative. Admittedly the Panic attacks are one of the most frightening experiences a person can have (see other people's accounts on You tube or other internet sites if you don't believe me!) but at least if I can find a balance of positivity and negativity in all this, then all the better!

Last night by the way, I did some research on Charles Linden, who is in no way medically trained but claims - in fact guarantees he can cure Panic attacks and the other disorders related to it. Personally I'm a little sceptical about anyone who pursues a business idea in helping or curing people but I did learn a couple of helpful things! According to him, Panic attacks are caused by amygdalae in the limbic system. These are almond-shaped glands that reside in our brains and control our primitive functions such as emotional reactions, facial recognition and may be related to some Psychological disorders. According to Linden, these glands are completely automated but this automation is learnt by experience. Now, in a healthy or normal human being (whatever that is!) these glands only increase adrenaline levels thus creating a 'fight or flight' scenario when the person is genuinely under threat. Once the threat has gone the glands reduce the levels of adrenaline back to normal and all of the symptons calm down. In the case of people like me, the glands- because they are activated by experience- create more adrenaline than usual (because a perceived threat is enough) and so we are more or less constantly in a 'fight or flight' state. A fascinating point about this is that altough the conscious brain knows there is no threat and therefore no need to be ready for a rumble, the unconscious believes there is a threat and so the glands are activated and the adrenaline floods through the body. Linden therefore claims the solution to this problem is to simply change our behaviour through our conscious thinking because he believes that Panic attacks re-occur because of repeated patterns of learnt behaviour that reside in the subconscious. Once therefore a Panic attack is experienced we unconsciously repeat the patterns and the glands shoot out a barraged of adrenaline which if you're not under threat, has nowhere to go. This is why we feel nausea, shaky, sweaty, de-personalised, dizzy etc....

Based on this, I've decided to try adjusting my conscious thought processes and monitor what I am doing so that the unconscious is no longer running the show as much. I'll report my findings in due course! Also I thought I speak to my doctor tomorrow about some of these ideas...

Existential nausea?

Felt sick before work and on my way home although it might just be travel sickness, maybe I suffer that too or maybe it's another kind of nausea? Anyway I'm not going to let it ruin my evening! It also made me think a little about Sartre's idea of the 'Nausea of 
existence' and inspired the following research which isn't Sartre based but interesting nevertheless!

I read up on a Philosopher called Marcuse. He was an advocate of socialism and critique of some of Freud's ideas. I feel that as I'm going through this process of Psychoanalysis, I should really try and understand it as best I can. I studied Psychology at 'A' level so have some background knowledge but it makes more sense now that I'm actually a patient (or victim!?) of a Psychological disorder. Marcuse basically refuted one of Freud's basic tennants that people must repress their base instincts which are founded on violence and destruction by insisting that a liberation of our instincts would produce a liberated, happy and healthier human being. However whilst living in the types of society we do today (i.e. Consumerist Capitalistic!) where our base sexual instincts are repressed, instead of happiness being manifested we become guilty. Guilt of course is Psychologically unhealthy and puts a lid on our happiness (in my interpretation!).

So the answer to my problems is sex!? Well I must admit the idea that sexual instincts create energy and that energy is not properly channelled in the modern world is quite appealing if not exactly do-able! We must remember that Marcuse was really more concerned with Politics than Psycholanalysis but if you knew me well you might make a connection here with the idea that the World is certainly not the place it should be! Many an evening I'd cleverly manipulate light-hearted pub talk into a discussion about the state of the world and the fact that this current capitalistic environment we inhabit is hardly going in the right direction! The US, is for example a perfect model of capitalism pushed to its extremes and I'd hardly call its current political tactics (War, Presidents who circumnavigate the democratic process etc....) particularly appealing or logical. How people can defend a nation whose society helps foster children who walk into schools with guns, devilish leaders, homelessness and huge drug problems is beyond me. Maybe there is more to my anxiety than meets the eye, maybe parenting is a significant part of it but not the whole picture. Is it possible that the larger realm of existence is also an influence on my Psychological state with its hypocrisy, cruelty and obsession with the self and only the self (i.e. and not community or working together to create freedom)? I can't say right now but based on the idea that our Psychological makeup is crafted as we develop through life, it would be ridiculous to only found that makeup on one factor, the small world we live in called our family! Is the larger world also reponsible for how our mind functions or disfunctions?

Doctor calls in sick!

I was all 'psyched' up for my trip to the doctor when he cancelled until Friday because of the flu! This is not such a bad thing however as it psychologically gives me a chance to see if I can stand on my own two feet. The fact that he is there as a crutch each week is more significant than you think. At the moment one of his techniques is to become a surrogate father to me and help build the 'lonely' little boy inside of me up and stronger. It's like this part of me has been imprisoned all of his life and we're trying to befriend him and strengthen him enough to live in the real world. I imagine the scene like a dungeon where the lonely boy is imprisoned yet safe and outside the walls of the dungeon is a large bowser type figure (a large fighting beast!) who is always ready for action and is paranoid of trouble! This is the protector side of me which we need to weaken! I say weaken because the protector is not evil or useless, we all have one, it's just in my case the protector has become too strong and often makes bad decisions! For eg Hmm maybe a little wine will help to calm me down....

I also often imagine the classic cartoon figures of a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. The protector you can imagine is the the devil figure (although he's not actually evil!) and the lonely boy, the angel. Now in most people the two figures would be equal and constantly going back and forth, debating etc..but in my case the devil is much bigger than the angel and so the angel can't be heard and the devil runs all the shows! Now, what we are trying to do, is make the angel bigger so that it can be heard and have a chance to stand up to the devil figure! In this way you can almost think of it more like an equal debating system so I am able to way up the pros and cons of any situation with a balanced sense of perspective, with the angel and devil both having their chances to speak! Sounds crazy but believe me it works and don't forget these are only metaphorical concepts that are applied to Psychological processes!

BTW I'm still avoiding coffee and feeling less anxious! However I did get a little anxiety last night before sleeping probably because I didn't go to the doctor! I let it pass however and fell asleep!

Caffeined up and down!

Well I think I've realised that caffeine is NOT good for my disposition. Felt fine this morning but after a coffee of two started feeling a little anxious. I have therefore decided to cut out another vice in my list of things I can no longer ingest into my body. That only leaves smoking but for now I'm happy to at least keep that one, I need some kind of crutch right now! After lunch my anxiety dissipated - thankfully, and I'm realising that these episodes are only temporary and can't harm me permanently.

Am going to the doctor tomorrow and for once I'm not stressed about it. Money aside, I'm actually looking forward to it! Generally I'm feeling pretty good right now, possibly because I feel more on top of all of this than before and have faith that it's working! (It's easy to feel sceptical about such a long and expensive process but I think it really does work!). Still, let's see how tomorrow goes, I need to take one day at a time, I've lost count of the amount of times I've convinced myself that I'm better and can stop going to the doctor, only to suffer a major crash a couple of days later!

A day of peace and solitude!

Feeling much better today. Only had a little anxiety yesterday so I went out for lunch with a friend and felt fine. Spent last night exploring my past. I have done this through various means in the last few months and found it very beneficial. The first thing I did was to acquire and look at old photos from my childhood. This helped me to remember some of my old self and provides data for imagery work. I then listened to a lot of old music from teen years which again helped to unleash parts from another part of my life. The final thing I did was to play some old video and arcade games. It’s amazing how the sounds and tunes and the feelings of playing those games has really helped! I woke up today after spending last night exploring old classics like Paperboy, Return of the Jedi and some other more obscure classics, feeling calm and at peace. I therefore recommend trying these ideas if you are going through something like this yourself. I’ve also watched old TV shows on Google video and You Tube which again trigger a lot of old very deep memories.

It’s nice not feeling anxious for a change and I hope I can hold onto this feeling, I guess this is the overall goal, to feel like this all the time. Whether I do of course remains to be seen, but I feel optimistic right now. Maybe my journey of self discovery is finally doing some good!

Friday in the fast lane?

Well despite having a really good day at work now the weekend is virtually here, it’s time for my anxiety to kick in! Got home around 6pm after meeting a friend for coffee and cooked some food but two hours on and am starting to feel the chemical changes in my body and mind of my old friend anxiety. I was thinking that it feels kind of like being drugged but in this case rather than getting ‘high’, you feel lower than usual with a side order of despair! I wouldn’t mind so much if it was because of a drug but it’s not and so you never know from moment to moment when the change will take place. It’s happening right now and I’m trying to hear the doctor’s voice in my head saying ‘noting can hurt you, nothing bad is going to happen and it’ll pass soon, just ignore it and let it pass’. Well I understand this in theory but right now, I feel angry because I don’t want to feel like this, it’s Friday night for Christ’s sake and I should be meeting friends not cooped up in my prison cell of a room feeling despair and questioning what the point is of living and going through this stupid time of lowness, drowsiness and stuck in my own head! It’s not fair! I never caused this, all I did was react to the world around me in the best way I could and now I’m paying the cost for other people’s bad behaviour and parenting! Not only that but it’s costing me a small fortune and has ruined all my relationships and is sucking every last penny out of me, so much so that I don’t know how much longer I can continue like this.

Sweet normality!

Humdrum, normal reality at last! Might sound boring, but for me it’s a sign that things are looking up! No anxiety today, no attacks and feel at peace with myself. I hope I can keep this up now and avoid problematic paths like alcohol again. I guess it’s all up to me now. Had a good day at work, been chatting online to a friend and watching lots of documentaries about dinosaurs and politics and generally keeping myself away from unnecessary stress. Let’s see what tomorrow brings, I think I just have to live one day at a time!

Midweek madness?

Yay, another good day although felt a little tearful for a bit. No anxiety and just a little tired from yesterday’s session followed by band practice. This is all normal though so am not concerned. Life and therapy is looking up at the moment and the doctor hopes I will be done in six months or so.

Forgot to mention before that in the past I also had IBS for awhile. This is yet another physical manifestation of anxiety (in my case chronic constipation!) although at the time it was put down to stress and I managed to recover naturally by changing my diet and lifestyle. I quit my job to focus on music and ‘A’ levels at night-school then went to university.

I also used to be into S and M, especially the receiving aspect. I guess receiving pain helped me to feel again and also exorcise some internal demons. I was quite seriously in to it but bizarrely didn’t really feel proud of myself. I liked leather belts and buckles, sticks and being severely bitten. Often I’d be covered in bruises, teeth marks and scratches, cuts.
I have a feeling it’s all over now in my life and I’m now seeking tenderness in people.

I also wonder if it’s also connected to the fact I used to self flagellate myself when I was younger due to not being able to standup to my monster of a father. I used to hit myself when I was too scared to fight back or just felt low, it was better than receiving my father’s wrath and temporarily at least I felt better - although really it was probably due to my unconscious telling me that I really am useless and unlovable. I know that now to be wrong but it’s a hard voice to ignore and its loud and very manipulative, a kind of expert rhetorical speaker or like a charismatic but intentionally self-serving, self-obsessed politician. I’m sure you’ll understand this analogy well if you live in the western world!

On my magic carpet!

Still, things are looking up! Anxiety has dropped as of late and my trip to the doctor was a great success! First, my doctor asked me about my anxiety attack on Saturday and I told him that as I had followed all of his instructions and pursued a ‘healthy’ route to coping with it, by the end of the day I was much better! The healthy route involves speaking to friends and family and not taking alcohol and only taking valium as a last resort, which I managed to avoid! This was a big step as it proves that my inner self is becoming stronger and more self reliant!

Today was very much focused on imagery work and I took my magic carpet on a long and fascinating journey into the depths of my mind. We visited some periods of my teens which were connected to my anxiety attack on Saturday. The doctor and I have realized that on Saturdays I tend to be prone to severe anxiety, so we explored my inner regions to try and ascertain ‘why?’ It turned out that weekends (now) were times of more increased anxiety due to the fact that my family used to be more closely around me, when I was a child. As my family (mainly my father!) was a catalyst of anxiety I would naturally retire into my ‘shell’. In other words I would withdraw into my room and any inner escapes I could find there in order to avoid anxious situations and feel safe! Often this revolved around large consumptions of tea and chocolate (how ‘English ‘of me!) and seeking fantasy escapes such as computer games, Radio 4 and books. Now these things are in themselves not particularly dangerous (especially Radio 4!) of course but the point is I am not choosing them but using them as escapes from a situation that makes me feel uncomfortable and I’m not only doing this to excess but I’m masquerading my loneliness and angst! Through the imagery both my doctor and I re-visited some of these situations and created an almost revised conception of these events by reshaping my memory so that in my current mind, I was not being psychologically bullied but existing there in peace and harmony and far from fear. Now you might argue that this memory is false and although in some ways it does have an element of fiction, all we are really do is changing my perspective from possessing a memory full of angst and anxiety to one where the events are the same but the feeling is one of safety and therefore devoid of anxiety! Believe it or not this anxiety is still currently residing inside of me after more than twenty years!

We also explored some other regions where my father had acted unreasonably, and made me feel humiliated, down-trodden and unloved. One particular time was when I went sailing and took a friend of mine with me and my father lost his rag because we were messing about jumping out of the boat etc (as children do!). Now my Father no doubt had a point, that what we were doing could damage the boat but rather than explaining that to me he lost his temper and created yet more anxiety in my already ample supply. Not only that but he psychologically crushed and humiliated me in front of my best friend at an age where I’m very sensitive to criticism and am trying to grow spiritually into an adult. With the doctor we were able to deal with this by again, re-living the memory but this time I stood up to my father and told him that I wasn’t going to let him bully me like this, that I’m old enough to care of myself and the boat and that I knew it was a mistake to misuse it but I’m sorry and already understand my mistake without having to be punished.

Standing up to my Father is very important at the moment because it helps strengthen lonely Mark who is still very weak inside. This weakness manifests itself as schema activation and we all know what that leads to!

Parents watch out - you may not realize what you’re creating in the long run when you let your temper and irrational side rule your roost!

Monday - Back to the grindstone?

Another good day today! Didn’t have quite as much work as I thought I would and so had a lunch with a friend of mine in the sun, which was nice. Talked a little about my condition and ex, so managed to get a few things off of my chest. The fact that I was ‘out’ and feeling no anxiety was also a plus! Been thinking that although I’ve been having a hard time as of late, things seem to be looking up. I’m not anxious about the doctor tomorrow (yet!) and am feeling much more calm inside like the tempest has dissipated and the waves are just lapping gently against the shore of my soul!

A friend asked me why the imagery work was always about exploring painful memories and I want to put the record straight. Ultimately re-working old, painful memories is our goal but at the moment due to the power of my ‘protector’ we are only able to explore less painful ones as I am unable to re-live memories of utter fear. The doctor is basically trying to form a relationship with ‘lonely Mark’ which is the imprisoned, lonely child that has been festering inside of me for 20years.. Little by little this child is starting to trust the psychiatrist and together we are learning to confront my ‘bully of a father’ again which helps the boy grow stronger. Sometimes the imagery also involves me taking on the role of my Father which is strange to say the least. The main point about this type of therapy is that it is very subjective, so my pain is seen as not something to be questioned as such but it is as real as I have made it or believe it to be. Maybe some of my memories are biased are not exactly objective but this is unimportant as these memories are eating up my insides and destroying me so must be dispelled! This is our quest, a long and hard one but through time and patience, I believe it is achievable and I’ll be a stronger, more confident person for it!

Sunday - a day of rest!

Well today I’m much better, no anxiety or feelings of nausea and I’m actually enjoying slobbing around the house and feeling lazy. This is something that a naturally anxious person like me finds hard to do! Yesterday my feelings of panic eventually dissipated without having to resort to anything other than my own mind letting the feelings wash over itself. I cancelled the work ‘do’ and although my body felt a little strange for the rest of the day (like a panic attack hangover!), I took no valium and drank no alcohol.

I spent most of the evening relaxing, reading and playing PC games so despite my dramatic start to the day, the rest of it was pretty much normal and for me normal is strange and this is what I have to aspire to!

I have two days left until I see my doctor again, normally I get some anxiety the night before so we’ll see how things pan out tomorrow after a hard day’s work! Well as I’m not feeling any ill effects I think I’m going to leave this here and go out and live a little whilst I can! The thing about my condition is you have to grab the better moments when you can!

My body takes over

Just had an anxiety attack. My throat felt like it was going to make me vomit my soul out of me. Spoke to friends online but it didn´t help as much as I would have liked so I phoned my doctor. We spoke for about twenty minutes and he helped to calm me down. Now I feel better but don´t think I can go to this work ´do´. It´s too much pressure to be in public and have to perform so I ´ll have to phone and cancel. The good thing is I haven´t resorted to valium or alcohol, just mint tea to help the nausea. He told me to be calm, read a book, realise I´m not going to be sick and try and let my symptons pass naturally. They are not permenant and panicking will only prolong the process. He thought the cause was a combination of the work event, my singer leaving and removing the phone number of my ex because this finalises the abandonment process for good. It´s amazing how small, ordinary events set me off! I wonder what´s next?

I´m tired and dizzy now and a firework bang just made me jump out of my skin!

In sickness and in health

Today I’m really anxious. Possibly because I didn’t sleep well last night and I have to go to a work ´do´. Yesterday was a good day, I felt light and breezy and we wrote some good music in the evening. I managed to avoid drinking alcohol even though the social occasion warranted it and came home early as I was tired. I felt quite emotional because our singer has decided to move away and it puts the band in jeopardy as her voice is so beautiful and inspiring right now.
Right now though I feel very anxious, I don’t tend to get panic attacks anymore but the anxiety now manifests itself in nausea. It’s like the pain and darkness inside of me is so intense that body needs to physically chuck it out of me in any way it can. I might need to take some valium but am trying hard to deal with this naturally, although if this keeps up and I have to perform at work then I’ll have to use it as a crutch, like a man with a broken leg needs his cane!

If I didn’t have to leave the house I know that in this mood I wouldn’t. I’d spend the day tossing and turning on my bed, crying and feeling sick. It’s so annoying that my free time is spent going through these experiences, I wish I could enjoy my time off like a normal human being although I have no idea what that means anymore!

Yesterday I met a friend for lunch and told her about this blog and my suicidal tendencies and she was really supportive. This surprised me because I barely know her, yet she said I could call her if I ever need her. This reinforces my faith in humanity a little as the way my brain normally works is to unconsciously imagine everyone as a threat, probably because I think they have a mind like mine that always looks for the negatives!

Besides writing this right now, I’m listening to music from my childhood hoping it will calm the inner child in me and reduce my anxiety. I think it’s working but I have a feeling that this is not going to be a good day, it’s going to be a another fight again with my battered body and mind! If only I could find inner peace and tranquility!
My ex hasn’t responded to my email by the way and I have deleted her phone number from my mobile so I cannot contact her if I have an episode later.
The chances are 50/50…

A good day - phew!

Finally a good day. Got up and had some breakfast without any anxiety of loss of appetite! In fact I've been much less anxious today and everything therefore went smoothly. Went to the chemist and managed to get some valium so if I ever sink into a depression/suicidal state like last Saturday, I can take these as a last resort! Of course if it does happen then I'll try and fight it and speak to friends first or the doctor rather than fall into an alcoholic, psychotic drunken stuper!

Diazepam is the brand of valium that I'm taking and it significantly helps with depressive episodes and kills dead panic attacks. It also makes you high as a kite the first few times but then tolerance is very swift!

The downside is that it makes me very drowsy and it's difficult to function because you feel so relaxed and lethargic.They are also highly addicitive and as people like me genrally have addicitve personalities we have to be careful. I actually went through a phase of taking them daily and my doctor refused to re-new my prescription for fear of me abusing them. I think he was right! Talking of addicitons, I have also been addicted to gambling at age 17 and often abuse alcohol although I'm trying hard not to now. In fact I don't drink at all which is a shame because I used to be incredibly fun and energetic to be around after a few whiskys. You should have seen me dance!

But it's not all gloom and doom, my life. Reading this journal you might think so but the life of someone like me is not necessarily a sad one, it's just that we go through phases and cycles of self-destruction and gloom! I have and do play in a band and I have a professional and rewarding job. I also play chess and love reading and films. Further I live in a fantastic city which is extremely stimulating and hold a good degree in Philosophy. Basically my life has gone through phases of extremely good to extremely bad depending often on the events surrounding me. The difference now is that I'm at an age where I cannot continue my oldlifestyle of self-abuse, chemical and alcohol abuse and being a stand-offish and difficult moody person. That is why I'm on medication and seeking pyschological help and that is why I'm writing this diary!

Valentine's day - oh joy!

I feel very weak today and cried before work after feeling anxious and nauseous and am now on my way home and feel sick again. Valentine's day sucks when you are alone and it's difficult to avoid it unless you lock yourself in your room all day!
Or maybe it's just because I'm poorly right now and suffering from a cold or maybe it's a hangover from the session last night, either way I just the want the bus to get me to my destination. Today I also felt more impatient than normal (I don't suffer fools gladly!) and worse, some suicidal thoughts as I stared up at the tall building near my bus stop. I imagined the thrill of breaking into the building, descending the stairs and then leaping to my death and feeling the unique sensations that it would bring! (albeit the last too!). I didn't however (obviously). It occurred to me too that my long-term depression of 20 odd years could be the reason for my fear of heights. I wish I was looking forward to going home but I'm not as I keep imagining how nice it would be if someone was there for me, to cook some nice soup and be concerned about me but I know that's not reailty right now. Am feeling tired of this habitual struggle to combat my lowness, darkness, morbidity and the fight to stay alive but something keeps me going, perhaps the thought that it IS curable and temporary and that one day I'll never even be able to imagine these feelings I'm having right now again. Perhaps one day I'll also have my own place and a cat and feel safe again. The sertraline helps me too, as it's an anti-depressant and SSRI. I've been taken them for about 8 months now. These drugs work by helping the brain to use normal levels of serotonin more affectively. This is an improvement on the 'old skool' anti-depressants which I believe increased serotonin levels and thus were much more addictive! These drugs are no miracle cure though and they have many side-effects; in my case nausea, libido malfunction and loss of appetite. To end on a high note, writing this has actually made me a little more positive and I can recommend this as a form of therapy. Writing, somehow is therapeutic and if you are ever in the unfortuante position of going through therapy you should find your doctor will recommend it. In fact, a good therapist will give you homework to do, such as reading, writing and keeping diaries and I'd recommend you do all of them! In my case I had to read about schema therapy and coping methods for panic attacks, and touch wood I haven't had any panic attacks recently, and the ones I had became weaker as my therapy went on. I can also recommend listening to old music to trigger memories and acquiring old family photos. I did this and it was definitely beneficial in helping me get in touch with my inner self, he's the one in pain and he's the one I need to nurture back to the world of the living! Maybe next Valentine's day will be something I'll look forward to rather than make me feel sick!

PS I forgot to mention that I emailed my ex last night apologising for my behavior and she hasn't replied yet! I'm not expecting a reply but it would be nice to have a little inner peace about this! I also hope she doesn't read it today as it's not exactly valentine's reading!
Oops...better watch this space.....

A journey to the doc's.

Well today was one of many trips to see my doctor and as usual it was highly beneficial.
But first let's get my day in context! This morning I woke up with a cold so I've been feeling drowsy and icky all day. My flatmate cooked me some vegetable soup which really cheered me up. I spent a few hours chatting and faffing on the net and then cleaned my room. Doing this helped me to accept the reality that my ex had really moved out of my life so in many ways it was therapeutic. I had a shower and then prepared myself to leave for my session, and as usual my anxiety kicked in which it always does when I visit him. Don’t let me put you off though, my therapy is not only essential to my recovery but I always come away feeling really light and cheerful. I talked to him about the events of the weekend and we focused on my suicidal episode and then tried to ascertain the causes of it. He asked me to try and visualize and ‘feel’ the events that occurred before the main episode kicked in. I told him that on Saturday morning I woke up feeling well and spent the day cleaning and fixing my friend’s computer and then felt drowsy. I then led down on the sofa whilst listening to eighties music and then after a series of childhood flashbacks suddenly felt a torrent of tears rising up through my body. I left the room clandestinely and (unfortunately) took a bottle of red wine with me. This is where my trouble started as by drinking the wine I became more and more morose. I also started crying profusely (partly I thought because I was listening to Billie Holiday) and because I was having memories of the past and my relationship now defunct. Drinking more wine, I then got the idea to call my ex and try and talk about my feelings but she was working and unable to respond. This activated (what my Doctor calls ‘schemas’) and this is where the trouble started! People like me have schemas which are kind of like patterns of behaviour which are nurtured during childhood as defense mechanisms. Schemas take me over and cause me to act irrationally and like a poor, scared, abandoned child. My behavior then becomes a mirror of childhood and I become desperate and seek comfort under the illusion I cannot look after myself. Although these schemas are not constantly activated and at most other times are I am rational, ordinary and reasonable man, they become as real as any other part of my life and cause me to hurt those (in this case my ex) because I feel unsupported and weak. At this stage, I was sending texts and leaving phone calls asking for help. After half a bottle of wine, I decided to go and try and sleep but after about half an hour my ex texted me saying she couldn’t help me but would ring me tomorrow. Now, for a person in my situation at this moment, this is the worst possible thing can happen because it causes other schemas to activate which ‘think’ they are trying to protect me. My protector schema is a monster with no reason or empathy whose job is to attack anything that threatens the lonely little boy suffering inside of me. This resulted in me sending a barrage of messages to my ex, each one getting more and more horrible! Then the guilt and alcohol kicked in so I tried to masquerade my emotions further by guess what drinking more. I finished the bottle of wine and then became extremely suicidal. Luckily by the time I had got to this stage of the evening, I was to drunk and exhausted (by all the arguments and tears!) and eventually fell asleep feeling incredibly low. By talking to the doctor and doing some imagery work I have now learnt how to deal with situations like this in future. First, I need to turn to people who are prepared to help me, friends and family etc.. Second, I should call the doctor who can help me to feel less alone when I’m feeling this way and talk me into a calmer more secure state. Third, I should have taken some Valium, as this helps to subdue the feelings I have and enable to get past these feelings without resorting to suicidal tendencies. Valium is a very addictive drug so I have to be careful not to abuse it but it’s also incredibly good as abating panic attacks and if taken in moderation is not a danger. Don’t get me wrong I’m not trying to recommend that anyone takes any kind of chemicals to get through difficulties but if used under medical supervision it is much less dangerous than drinking excessively or throwing oneself under the nearest train. A very low day for me but as long as I can learn from these experiences a day I hope to never repeat as long as I have the strength to battle on through therapy.
The therapist also warned me NOT to drink any alcohol as it damages my progress and also to keep a diary of all of the meals that I eat as he is also worried that I might be slipping into anorexia again. I assured him that I wasn’t but I’ve taken his advice and started a spreadsheet as I can never be too sure whether or not my brain is always telling me the truth. If the protector is running the show, anything is possible! The fight continues….

Monday morning blues?

Well two days after feeling suicidal I feel more or less fine again! I actually managed to get up and have breakfast today, something I often can’t do and as an ex-anorexic I have to be careful to make sure I eat. Anorexia is a serious condition that I suffered for about a year. I couldn’t eat, and survived solely on alcohol and sleep deprivation. Anorexia is not as painful as depression itself as you’re so’ high’ all the time that you don’t feel anything except for tranquility and that the world can no longer hurt you. Of course this is an illusion but the reason the problem continues is because of these facts. I was lucky however because at this time I had the mental energy to finally see that I had a problem and I started to eat again. I’ll never forget the time I started. I went for a curry at my local favourite curryhouse and although I remember eating it very slowly and feeling kind of strange I managed to eat and find that high again that you get from doing so. Going through depression and panic attacks now, I am always weary of this condition returning and sometimes I know its close by like a baby demon hovering above my head, but I am determined to not go down that road again. Today I’m feeling pretty good. I have few if any negative thoughts, although I am very guilty about the way I treated my ex on Saturday when I was struggling, and I know I cannot be forgiven. My anxiety has subsided and tomorrow I am seeing my doctor. I have pretty much failed again this week so we will have to go through all my errors and ascertain their reasons and try and prevent them. This is easier said than done however, as these reactions are so ingrained and so instinctual that it is something akin to trying to not comfort a crying baby or not helping someone in distress. The instinct is prior to any decision making process and of course completely natural. Try not kissing your loved one for example or comforting your child when he is sick and you’ll have some idea of how strong instinct really is! This is what I have to fight and its not a fair battle! 

The day after

 Well as this is day one of my blog, I feel that I should do as promised and express my feelings the day after another close call with suicide. Today I had a conversation with my ex-girlfriend who I was hoping to see and talk to about everything that has happened between us and get some support from but she won’t do it yet! This is difficult for me because I really need support right now through these experiences. Intellectually I understand why she is hesitant but emotionally I really need someone to be there for me.
Just a shoulder to cry on and for someone who I can call when I’m suffering like last night! The problem with depression though, is that you treat people so badly that they often find themselves pulling away, which makes you push even harder and end up hurting even more. Because of this she can’t ’be there’ for me anymore and this is making it very difficult for me as although I understand why she left me, I don’t understand why she can’t help me through this extremely painful time. Still, I chatted with a friend on-line, who unfortunately lives in another country so I can’t get my hugs from her, and she has helped me to feel much better after last night! She has also advised me to speak to my flat mate when I’m suffering as she thinks he will be supportive, so advice number one for the struggling depressive is to not hide away your feelings (or yourself!) but to find someone you can trust and talk to them about how you feel. This I intend to do from now as although I can’t get help from my ex-girlfriend (she’s carrying too much pain!), at least I can get support from friends! I have a family by the way which I can also talk to but I don’t want to keep upsetting them with what I’m going through so advice number two, talk to many people in small chunks that way you won’t get on their nerves too much! Well, today has been a good day, although I did start it off in tears again but at least now I feel like I’ve made some progress and can’t imagine now that I could have ever felt suicidal. I know the feeling will return but until then I’m going to keep on fighting.

Imagery - imagine that!

Imagery work is designed to get me in touch with my inner child who is and has been living imprisoned inside of me for a long time and is suffering a great deal of pain. The theory is based on the idea that my therapist and me explore painful memories and re-live them in a more healthy way! At the moment a typical session involves a routine of going into a childhood memory and exploring it with the support of my therapist. This helps me to re-live the experiences and the emotions tied up with them and also to help my inner child to feel better and stronger about himself. The experience itself is a strange one in that you actually ‘become’ that child again and thus at times it’s very difficult for me to return to reality. Of course if the memory that we are visiting is a bad one then it’s hard for me to go through the experience but little by little the therapist helps to guide me and thus provide support when I need it.

Suicide is painless?

Suicide is a word that people don’t like to hear because they don’t understand it or like the idea that someone could dare not to feel able to cope in this world we have all worked so hard to create. Let me try and put a few things straight however.
Genuine suicidal thoughts are not about being pathetic or taking the easy way out! In my case they can creep up on me at any time although they are normally triggered by something that has happened. What needs to be understood is that they are in no way a choice thing. My body chemicals change and my mind is overwhelmed with feelings of worthlessness, and a compete lack of hope. This change is difficult to fight and although one day I can be stable and happy and be playing in a band or socializing without problems, another day I find myself looking at the world unable to see it as anything else but an empty, cold shell of a place without empathy or clarity. It would be wrong to say that I am depressed at this moment, it’s a stronger and a different sensation to that - at the time it feels like I’m actually seeing the world more clearly than usual, that I have been
fooling myself by being happy or finding meaning and that really it is a vacuous place.
Last night I suffered these feelings again so I will try and describe it.
I was in the living room getting on with life, cleaning, browsing the internet etc.. when I suddenly felt very tired. I tried to nod off for a while but whenever I did I felt anxious and restless, like something wasn’t quite right. Tears started to dwell in my eyes and I retired quickly to my room, taking some wine with me. It was at this point that I started to really cry and I drunk a little wine to try and calm myself and also I tried not to fight my feelings, but let the tears flow out. After sometime of crying and being unable to stop, I started to feel really low. I sent some messages to my ex-girlfriend hoping she would be able to support me somehow and tell me it would all be OK. She couldn’t reply (I’ve now found out!) because she was at work and had her phone switched off.. Frantically I started phoning and sending hoards of messages in desperation because I felt really weak and wasn’t sure what to do with myself. I drunk some more wine hoping to switch some of these strong feelings off, but found myself becoming lower and lower. I went to bed for awhile and found my thoughts focusing on life and death. I started thinking of ways to leave this world without (ironically!) harming myself too much. At this point I really wished I could have just walked into some sort of machine that would instantly switch me off permanently. Fortunately no such thing exists so I had to carry on suffering. I tried to force myself to fall asleep and stop having these thoughts, but it always came back too ‘how can I go?’, ‘what’s the best way out?’, ‘I can’t jump out of the building, I’m afraid of heights, there must be a better way!’, and so on. Following this my ex-girlfriend sent me a message saying she couldn’t come and help me because she had work the next day and was tired. This put me into a rage because when in this state there’s no possible way that I can balance suicidal thoughts with work needs! At this point I started frantically phoning and sending all sorts of desperate and often offensive messages because I really felt like I was going to leave this world and just needed someone to hold and hug me and remind me that these feelings were temporary! She couldn’t do this however so I kept on drinking to the point where suicide became too much like hard work and I eventually fell asleep in my clothes.

History - How did I end up in therapy?

About 8 months ago, I suffered from a major panic attack
whilst at work and had to run home and lock myself in my room. A panic attack is one of the most frightening experiences a person can have. Basically, the world melts away, you start to sweat, feel dizzy and nauseous and feel like you're having a heart attack! The fact that you lose control of yourself like this means you panic even more and this prolongs and intensifies these sensations. My first attack lasted a good few hours and it took until the next day to feel vaguely 'normal' again. During the attack I felt a great deal of paranoia and heart racing and during other attacks I felt on the verge of insanity. Whilst on the verge of this insanity I often felt suicidal too and although my attacks are manageable now (within reason!), I still have suicidal thoughts on a regular basis. I am presently taking anti-depressants called Sertraline and occasionally valium to subdue my attacks. I will talk about these separately in other posts to elucidate their effects etc.

Introduction

I want to keep this blog simple. The purpose behind it. is to reveal the
truth about Psychotherapy, panic attacks, anti-depressants and document my experiences. I hope this will help the reader to understand this debilitating and real illness. Depression is not something that people need to 'snap out of',but a serious condition that is treatable through a lengthy period of analysis.I also want to reveal not only my experiences in therapy sessions,but how they affect me outside. Some of these are not pleasant butI hope they will be of interest and a source of understanding.