The day after

 Well as this is day one of my blog, I feel that I should do as promised and express my feelings the day after another close call with suicide. Today I had a conversation with my ex-girlfriend who I was hoping to see and talk to about everything that has happened between us and get some support from but she won’t do it yet! This is difficult for me because I really need support right now through these experiences. Intellectually I understand why she is hesitant but emotionally I really need someone to be there for me.
Just a shoulder to cry on and for someone who I can call when I’m suffering like last night! The problem with depression though, is that you treat people so badly that they often find themselves pulling away, which makes you push even harder and end up hurting even more. Because of this she can’t ’be there’ for me anymore and this is making it very difficult for me as although I understand why she left me, I don’t understand why she can’t help me through this extremely painful time. Still, I chatted with a friend on-line, who unfortunately lives in another country so I can’t get my hugs from her, and she has helped me to feel much better after last night! She has also advised me to speak to my flat mate when I’m suffering as she thinks he will be supportive, so advice number one for the struggling depressive is to not hide away your feelings (or yourself!) but to find someone you can trust and talk to them about how you feel. This I intend to do from now as although I can’t get help from my ex-girlfriend (she’s carrying too much pain!), at least I can get support from friends! I have a family by the way which I can also talk to but I don’t want to keep upsetting them with what I’m going through so advice number two, talk to many people in small chunks that way you won’t get on their nerves too much! Well, today has been a good day, although I did start it off in tears again but at least now I feel like I’ve made some progress and can’t imagine now that I could have ever felt suicidal. I know the feeling will return but until then I’m going to keep on fighting.