On my magic carpet!

Still, things are looking up! Anxiety has dropped as of late and my trip to the doctor was a great success! First, my doctor asked me about my anxiety attack on Saturday and I told him that as I had followed all of his instructions and pursued a ‘healthy’ route to coping with it, by the end of the day I was much better! The healthy route involves speaking to friends and family and not taking alcohol and only taking valium as a last resort, which I managed to avoid! This was a big step as it proves that my inner self is becoming stronger and more self reliant!

Today was very much focused on imagery work and I took my magic carpet on a long and fascinating journey into the depths of my mind. We visited some periods of my teens which were connected to my anxiety attack on Saturday. The doctor and I have realized that on Saturdays I tend to be prone to severe anxiety, so we explored my inner regions to try and ascertain ‘why?’ It turned out that weekends (now) were times of more increased anxiety due to the fact that my family used to be more closely around me, when I was a child. As my family (mainly my father!) was a catalyst of anxiety I would naturally retire into my ‘shell’. In other words I would withdraw into my room and any inner escapes I could find there in order to avoid anxious situations and feel safe! Often this revolved around large consumptions of tea and chocolate (how ‘English ‘of me!) and seeking fantasy escapes such as computer games, Radio 4 and books. Now these things are in themselves not particularly dangerous (especially Radio 4!) of course but the point is I am not choosing them but using them as escapes from a situation that makes me feel uncomfortable and I’m not only doing this to excess but I’m masquerading my loneliness and angst! Through the imagery both my doctor and I re-visited some of these situations and created an almost revised conception of these events by reshaping my memory so that in my current mind, I was not being psychologically bullied but existing there in peace and harmony and far from fear. Now you might argue that this memory is false and although in some ways it does have an element of fiction, all we are really do is changing my perspective from possessing a memory full of angst and anxiety to one where the events are the same but the feeling is one of safety and therefore devoid of anxiety! Believe it or not this anxiety is still currently residing inside of me after more than twenty years!

We also explored some other regions where my father had acted unreasonably, and made me feel humiliated, down-trodden and unloved. One particular time was when I went sailing and took a friend of mine with me and my father lost his rag because we were messing about jumping out of the boat etc (as children do!). Now my Father no doubt had a point, that what we were doing could damage the boat but rather than explaining that to me he lost his temper and created yet more anxiety in my already ample supply. Not only that but he psychologically crushed and humiliated me in front of my best friend at an age where I’m very sensitive to criticism and am trying to grow spiritually into an adult. With the doctor we were able to deal with this by again, re-living the memory but this time I stood up to my father and told him that I wasn’t going to let him bully me like this, that I’m old enough to care of myself and the boat and that I knew it was a mistake to misuse it but I’m sorry and already understand my mistake without having to be punished.

Standing up to my Father is very important at the moment because it helps strengthen lonely Mark who is still very weak inside. This weakness manifests itself as schema activation and we all know what that leads to!

Parents watch out - you may not realize what you’re creating in the long run when you let your temper and irrational side rule your roost!