Midweek madness?

Yay, another good day although felt a little tearful for a bit. No anxiety and just a little tired from yesterday’s session followed by band practice. This is all normal though so am not concerned. Life and therapy is looking up at the moment and the doctor hopes I will be done in six months or so.

Forgot to mention before that in the past I also had IBS for awhile. This is yet another physical manifestation of anxiety (in my case chronic constipation!) although at the time it was put down to stress and I managed to recover naturally by changing my diet and lifestyle. I quit my job to focus on music and ‘A’ levels at night-school then went to university.

I also used to be into S and M, especially the receiving aspect. I guess receiving pain helped me to feel again and also exorcise some internal demons. I was quite seriously in to it but bizarrely didn’t really feel proud of myself. I liked leather belts and buckles, sticks and being severely bitten. Often I’d be covered in bruises, teeth marks and scratches, cuts.
I have a feeling it’s all over now in my life and I’m now seeking tenderness in people.

I also wonder if it’s also connected to the fact I used to self flagellate myself when I was younger due to not being able to standup to my monster of a father. I used to hit myself when I was too scared to fight back or just felt low, it was better than receiving my father’s wrath and temporarily at least I felt better - although really it was probably due to my unconscious telling me that I really am useless and unlovable. I know that now to be wrong but it’s a hard voice to ignore and its loud and very manipulative, a kind of expert rhetorical speaker or like a charismatic but intentionally self-serving, self-obsessed politician. I’m sure you’ll understand this analogy well if you live in the western world!