Monday morning blues?

Well two days after feeling suicidal I feel more or less fine again! I actually managed to get up and have breakfast today, something I often can’t do and as an ex-anorexic I have to be careful to make sure I eat. Anorexia is a serious condition that I suffered for about a year. I couldn’t eat, and survived solely on alcohol and sleep deprivation. Anorexia is not as painful as depression itself as you’re so’ high’ all the time that you don’t feel anything except for tranquility and that the world can no longer hurt you. Of course this is an illusion but the reason the problem continues is because of these facts. I was lucky however because at this time I had the mental energy to finally see that I had a problem and I started to eat again. I’ll never forget the time I started. I went for a curry at my local favourite curryhouse and although I remember eating it very slowly and feeling kind of strange I managed to eat and find that high again that you get from doing so. Going through depression and panic attacks now, I am always weary of this condition returning and sometimes I know its close by like a baby demon hovering above my head, but I am determined to not go down that road again. Today I’m feeling pretty good. I have few if any negative thoughts, although I am very guilty about the way I treated my ex on Saturday when I was struggling, and I know I cannot be forgiven. My anxiety has subsided and tomorrow I am seeing my doctor. I have pretty much failed again this week so we will have to go through all my errors and ascertain their reasons and try and prevent them. This is easier said than done however, as these reactions are so ingrained and so instinctual that it is something akin to trying to not comfort a crying baby or not helping someone in distress. The instinct is prior to any decision making process and of course completely natural. Try not kissing your loved one for example or comforting your child when he is sick and you’ll have some idea of how strong instinct really is! This is what I have to fight and its not a fair battle!