Suicide is painless?

Suicide is a word that people don’t like to hear because they don’t understand it or like the idea that someone could dare not to feel able to cope in this world we have all worked so hard to create. Let me try and put a few things straight however.
Genuine suicidal thoughts are not about being pathetic or taking the easy way out! In my case they can creep up on me at any time although they are normally triggered by something that has happened. What needs to be understood is that they are in no way a choice thing. My body chemicals change and my mind is overwhelmed with feelings of worthlessness, and a compete lack of hope. This change is difficult to fight and although one day I can be stable and happy and be playing in a band or socializing without problems, another day I find myself looking at the world unable to see it as anything else but an empty, cold shell of a place without empathy or clarity. It would be wrong to say that I am depressed at this moment, it’s a stronger and a different sensation to that - at the time it feels like I’m actually seeing the world more clearly than usual, that I have been
fooling myself by being happy or finding meaning and that really it is a vacuous place.
Last night I suffered these feelings again so I will try and describe it.
I was in the living room getting on with life, cleaning, browsing the internet etc.. when I suddenly felt very tired. I tried to nod off for a while but whenever I did I felt anxious and restless, like something wasn’t quite right. Tears started to dwell in my eyes and I retired quickly to my room, taking some wine with me. It was at this point that I started to really cry and I drunk a little wine to try and calm myself and also I tried not to fight my feelings, but let the tears flow out. After sometime of crying and being unable to stop, I started to feel really low. I sent some messages to my ex-girlfriend hoping she would be able to support me somehow and tell me it would all be OK. She couldn’t reply (I’ve now found out!) because she was at work and had her phone switched off.. Frantically I started phoning and sending hoards of messages in desperation because I felt really weak and wasn’t sure what to do with myself. I drunk some more wine hoping to switch some of these strong feelings off, but found myself becoming lower and lower. I went to bed for awhile and found my thoughts focusing on life and death. I started thinking of ways to leave this world without (ironically!) harming myself too much. At this point I really wished I could have just walked into some sort of machine that would instantly switch me off permanently. Fortunately no such thing exists so I had to carry on suffering. I tried to force myself to fall asleep and stop having these thoughts, but it always came back too ‘how can I go?’, ‘what’s the best way out?’, ‘I can’t jump out of the building, I’m afraid of heights, there must be a better way!’, and so on. Following this my ex-girlfriend sent me a message saying she couldn’t come and help me because she had work the next day and was tired. This put me into a rage because when in this state there’s no possible way that I can balance suicidal thoughts with work needs! At this point I started frantically phoning and sending all sorts of desperate and often offensive messages because I really felt like I was going to leave this world and just needed someone to hold and hug me and remind me that these feelings were temporary! She couldn’t do this however so I kept on drinking to the point where suicide became too much like hard work and I eventually fell asleep in my clothes.