A good day - phew!

Finally a good day. Got up and had some breakfast without any anxiety of loss of appetite! In fact I've been much less anxious today and everything therefore went smoothly. Went to the chemist and managed to get some valium so if I ever sink into a depression/suicidal state like last Saturday, I can take these as a last resort! Of course if it does happen then I'll try and fight it and speak to friends first or the doctor rather than fall into an alcoholic, psychotic drunken stuper!

Diazepam is the brand of valium that I'm taking and it significantly helps with depressive episodes and kills dead panic attacks. It also makes you high as a kite the first few times but then tolerance is very swift!

The downside is that it makes me very drowsy and it's difficult to function because you feel so relaxed and lethargic.They are also highly addicitive and as people like me genrally have addicitve personalities we have to be careful. I actually went through a phase of taking them daily and my doctor refused to re-new my prescription for fear of me abusing them. I think he was right! Talking of addicitons, I have also been addicted to gambling at age 17 and often abuse alcohol although I'm trying hard not to now. In fact I don't drink at all which is a shame because I used to be incredibly fun and energetic to be around after a few whiskys. You should have seen me dance!

But it's not all gloom and doom, my life. Reading this journal you might think so but the life of someone like me is not necessarily a sad one, it's just that we go through phases and cycles of self-destruction and gloom! I have and do play in a band and I have a professional and rewarding job. I also play chess and love reading and films. Further I live in a fantastic city which is extremely stimulating and hold a good degree in Philosophy. Basically my life has gone through phases of extremely good to extremely bad depending often on the events surrounding me. The difference now is that I'm at an age where I cannot continue my oldlifestyle of self-abuse, chemical and alcohol abuse and being a stand-offish and difficult moody person. That is why I'm on medication and seeking pyschological help and that is why I'm writing this diary!