A journey to the doc's.

Well today was one of many trips to see my doctor and as usual it was highly beneficial.
But first let's get my day in context! This morning I woke up with a cold so I've been feeling drowsy and icky all day. My flatmate cooked me some vegetable soup which really cheered me up. I spent a few hours chatting and faffing on the net and then cleaned my room. Doing this helped me to accept the reality that my ex had really moved out of my life so in many ways it was therapeutic. I had a shower and then prepared myself to leave for my session, and as usual my anxiety kicked in which it always does when I visit him. Don’t let me put you off though, my therapy is not only essential to my recovery but I always come away feeling really light and cheerful. I talked to him about the events of the weekend and we focused on my suicidal episode and then tried to ascertain the causes of it. He asked me to try and visualize and ‘feel’ the events that occurred before the main episode kicked in. I told him that on Saturday morning I woke up feeling well and spent the day cleaning and fixing my friend’s computer and then felt drowsy. I then led down on the sofa whilst listening to eighties music and then after a series of childhood flashbacks suddenly felt a torrent of tears rising up through my body. I left the room clandestinely and (unfortunately) took a bottle of red wine with me. This is where my trouble started as by drinking the wine I became more and more morose. I also started crying profusely (partly I thought because I was listening to Billie Holiday) and because I was having memories of the past and my relationship now defunct. Drinking more wine, I then got the idea to call my ex and try and talk about my feelings but she was working and unable to respond. This activated (what my Doctor calls ‘schemas’) and this is where the trouble started! People like me have schemas which are kind of like patterns of behaviour which are nurtured during childhood as defense mechanisms. Schemas take me over and cause me to act irrationally and like a poor, scared, abandoned child. My behavior then becomes a mirror of childhood and I become desperate and seek comfort under the illusion I cannot look after myself. Although these schemas are not constantly activated and at most other times are I am rational, ordinary and reasonable man, they become as real as any other part of my life and cause me to hurt those (in this case my ex) because I feel unsupported and weak. At this stage, I was sending texts and leaving phone calls asking for help. After half a bottle of wine, I decided to go and try and sleep but after about half an hour my ex texted me saying she couldn’t help me but would ring me tomorrow. Now, for a person in my situation at this moment, this is the worst possible thing can happen because it causes other schemas to activate which ‘think’ they are trying to protect me. My protector schema is a monster with no reason or empathy whose job is to attack anything that threatens the lonely little boy suffering inside of me. This resulted in me sending a barrage of messages to my ex, each one getting more and more horrible! Then the guilt and alcohol kicked in so I tried to masquerade my emotions further by guess what drinking more. I finished the bottle of wine and then became extremely suicidal. Luckily by the time I had got to this stage of the evening, I was to drunk and exhausted (by all the arguments and tears!) and eventually fell asleep feeling incredibly low. By talking to the doctor and doing some imagery work I have now learnt how to deal with situations like this in future. First, I need to turn to people who are prepared to help me, friends and family etc.. Second, I should call the doctor who can help me to feel less alone when I’m feeling this way and talk me into a calmer more secure state. Third, I should have taken some Valium, as this helps to subdue the feelings I have and enable to get past these feelings without resorting to suicidal tendencies. Valium is a very addictive drug so I have to be careful not to abuse it but it’s also incredibly good as abating panic attacks and if taken in moderation is not a danger. Don’t get me wrong I’m not trying to recommend that anyone takes any kind of chemicals to get through difficulties but if used under medical supervision it is much less dangerous than drinking excessively or throwing oneself under the nearest train. A very low day for me but as long as I can learn from these experiences a day I hope to never repeat as long as I have the strength to battle on through therapy.
The therapist also warned me NOT to drink any alcohol as it damages my progress and also to keep a diary of all of the meals that I eat as he is also worried that I might be slipping into anorexia again. I assured him that I wasn’t but I’ve taken his advice and started a spreadsheet as I can never be too sure whether or not my brain is always telling me the truth. If the protector is running the show, anything is possible! The fight continues….