In sickness and in health

Today I’m really anxious. Possibly because I didn’t sleep well last night and I have to go to a work ´do´. Yesterday was a good day, I felt light and breezy and we wrote some good music in the evening. I managed to avoid drinking alcohol even though the social occasion warranted it and came home early as I was tired. I felt quite emotional because our singer has decided to move away and it puts the band in jeopardy as her voice is so beautiful and inspiring right now.
Right now though I feel very anxious, I don’t tend to get panic attacks anymore but the anxiety now manifests itself in nausea. It’s like the pain and darkness inside of me is so intense that body needs to physically chuck it out of me in any way it can. I might need to take some valium but am trying hard to deal with this naturally, although if this keeps up and I have to perform at work then I’ll have to use it as a crutch, like a man with a broken leg needs his cane!

If I didn’t have to leave the house I know that in this mood I wouldn’t. I’d spend the day tossing and turning on my bed, crying and feeling sick. It’s so annoying that my free time is spent going through these experiences, I wish I could enjoy my time off like a normal human being although I have no idea what that means anymore!

Yesterday I met a friend for lunch and told her about this blog and my suicidal tendencies and she was really supportive. This surprised me because I barely know her, yet she said I could call her if I ever need her. This reinforces my faith in humanity a little as the way my brain normally works is to unconsciously imagine everyone as a threat, probably because I think they have a mind like mine that always looks for the negatives!

Besides writing this right now, I’m listening to music from my childhood hoping it will calm the inner child in me and reduce my anxiety. I think it’s working but I have a feeling that this is not going to be a good day, it’s going to be a another fight again with my battered body and mind! If only I could find inner peace and tranquility!
My ex hasn’t responded to my email by the way and I have deleted her phone number from my mobile so I cannot contact her if I have an episode later.
The chances are 50/50…