Valentine's day - oh joy!

I feel very weak today and cried before work after feeling anxious and nauseous and am now on my way home and feel sick again. Valentine's day sucks when you are alone and it's difficult to avoid it unless you lock yourself in your room all day!
Or maybe it's just because I'm poorly right now and suffering from a cold or maybe it's a hangover from the session last night, either way I just the want the bus to get me to my destination. Today I also felt more impatient than normal (I don't suffer fools gladly!) and worse, some suicidal thoughts as I stared up at the tall building near my bus stop. I imagined the thrill of breaking into the building, descending the stairs and then leaping to my death and feeling the unique sensations that it would bring! (albeit the last too!). I didn't however (obviously). It occurred to me too that my long-term depression of 20 odd years could be the reason for my fear of heights. I wish I was looking forward to going home but I'm not as I keep imagining how nice it would be if someone was there for me, to cook some nice soup and be concerned about me but I know that's not reailty right now. Am feeling tired of this habitual struggle to combat my lowness, darkness, morbidity and the fight to stay alive but something keeps me going, perhaps the thought that it IS curable and temporary and that one day I'll never even be able to imagine these feelings I'm having right now again. Perhaps one day I'll also have my own place and a cat and feel safe again. The sertraline helps me too, as it's an anti-depressant and SSRI. I've been taken them for about 8 months now. These drugs work by helping the brain to use normal levels of serotonin more affectively. This is an improvement on the 'old skool' anti-depressants which I believe increased serotonin levels and thus were much more addictive! These drugs are no miracle cure though and they have many side-effects; in my case nausea, libido malfunction and loss of appetite. To end on a high note, writing this has actually made me a little more positive and I can recommend this as a form of therapy. Writing, somehow is therapeutic and if you are ever in the unfortuante position of going through therapy you should find your doctor will recommend it. In fact, a good therapist will give you homework to do, such as reading, writing and keeping diaries and I'd recommend you do all of them! In my case I had to read about schema therapy and coping methods for panic attacks, and touch wood I haven't had any panic attacks recently, and the ones I had became weaker as my therapy went on. I can also recommend listening to old music to trigger memories and acquiring old family photos. I did this and it was definitely beneficial in helping me get in touch with my inner self, he's the one in pain and he's the one I need to nurture back to the world of the living! Maybe next Valentine's day will be something I'll look forward to rather than make me feel sick!

PS I forgot to mention that I emailed my ex last night apologising for my behavior and she hasn't replied yet! I'm not expecting a reply but it would be nice to have a little inner peace about this! I also hope she doesn't read it today as it's not exactly valentine's reading!
Oops...better watch this space.....